Saturday, September 8, 2018

On Saber-Tooths and Hand Grenades.

h/t Kenny

Comes to us, via Wirecutter's blog, the happy tale of adolescent angst that induced some accident of breeding to give himself a chainsaw haircut. Because of a video game.

Some may come over all sad at the news.
On the contrary, we are heartily amused and encouraged.


Any kid who could be induced to commit suicide via chainsaw because of a video game, proves the worth of distributing exactly that sort of video game to kids, as a service to the species. They should, in fact, be bundled with chainsaws in the toy department.

Like kids past the age of 6 who manage to blow their heads off with pa's pistol, there's very little chance that some budding Mozart or Einstein was ever one of the casualties.

Some kids will play hopscotch in a minefield, despite the signage, and the best thing for humanity is to let 'em. Second best would frequently be to send their parents in after them, if they don't off themselves by parking on railroad crossings or driving across 15' deep rain-swollen flash-flood creeks first.

The biggest problem with progress in modern life is the dearth of enough saber-tooth tigers presently to cull the herd like it needs, so anything handy will have to suffice.

I'd stop short of giving live grenades to babies, but being left alone in a locked room with one for half an hour should be a graduation test for middle school, to a certainty.

Gotta go now; I'm trying to find out what video game that was, whether there's an American version, and how much it will cost to donate one to every local public library.
Philanthrophy and misanthropy are not always diametrically opposed.


Anonymous White Male said...

I 've got to ask: How do you "behead" yourself with a chainsaw? That means cutting off the head. Chainsaws aren't light sabers. It seems to me that if such a thing was attempted, it would not result in beheading. It might result in cutting your veins or arteries, but as soon as a part of the spinal cord is severed, the action would stop. It's like hanging yourself from a doorknob. Seems like you could choke to death, but break your neck? And it seems to be increasing in frequency. Maybe someone helps?

Reltney McFee said...

What did he know about Mrs. Cli.....who is that pounding on my door?

Anonymous said...

I've had to assist in cutting up a large bull once in a spectacularly gruesome farming mishap. A chainsaw (among other implements) was used and it's as disturbing as you might imagine. Interesting note is that stringy gristle-y bits tend to pack around the sprocket and jam the saw up with annoying regularity. Sawzall with the proper blade ends up being more efficient. That's beef though. I have no idea how "long pig" reacts to dismemberment with power tools nor do I wish to learn first hand.

Now could our hero behead himself with a saw? Possibly. It'd take preparation, a good sharp saw and some determination but I think you could accomplish it. There are more efficient painless ways to off yourself but sometimes you want style points I guess. Remember the video of the guy the fed himself feet first through a industrial power saw?