A Reminder To Communist Pigs

Ask the Viet Cong how Tet worked out for them.

PSA

Comedy Relief Alert: Wander over to Cmdr Zero's blog. Your attention is directed to the comment stream - now closed - on the linked post. Put away any beverages beforehand, unless you have a spare keyboard.

Apparently, Micah Jones is off his meds, and doesn't care who knows it. And he's convinced that the entire internet is talking to him, and that everyone online needs to clear all information with him. He's helpfully let us all know that he's in Tampa, and knee-jerk posted his contact phone number everywhere, with all the thoughtful circumspection of a dog with diarrhea shitting wherever it walks. He's lonely, and apparently needs a phone buddy or three to give him a call. Up to you, gentle reader, to decide whether or not you need your own pet whackadoodle chat partner. To be fair, we're pretty certain Micah may already be having several conversations, before the phone ever rings. YMMV.

(Anyone who gets ChatGPT to start crank-calling him and occupying his time 24/7 with an endless AI PShrink convo is a tech wizard. Just saying. Failing that approach, perhaps Florida readers, being more familiar with Florida Man in his native habitat, could give a shout out to the local Tampa area mental health crisis team? Before Micah has a stroke, or ends up in a tower picking off random passersby...)

This is an actual - and frequent - psych diagnosis IRL.
If the straightjacket fits...

Micah went from zero to Psych Job in 0.2 seconds, with such regrettable single-mindedness, that CZ evidently felt there was nothing else to do for it but to close comments on a post, something AFAIK unwitnessed in living memory on CZ's blog.

Random whackjobs is why nearly everyone on every blog moderates comments, and as in this case, is proof of why we can't have nice things. The internet has proven, over time, to be a 100% predictor of the prevalence of undiagnosed psychiatric malfunctions in society, to six decimal places, and demonstrates to anyone looking that the greatest unaddressed market niche is developing a dart gun with ammunition that comes in human doses of Haldol, Geodon, Zyprexa, and Valium flavors. (Ruger, Smith & Wesson: I'm looking at you. Call your office.)

(Micah, Word To Your Mother: Lighten up, Francis. I know you've had quite a week, on your first three days on the internet. We all get that you're bat-shit cray-cray. It's okay, brother. Acknowledging the problem is the first step to solving it. But I'm heart-attack serious here:

The computer monitor is not talking to you, 

street drugs are not your friends, 

and getting back on your regular meds is the only way you're going to keep yourself out of the rubber room at the local hospital. Hand to God.

Do the hard thing, and get back on your meds, man. Srsly. It's going to be okay, if you just stop listening to The Voices In Your Head. No need to reply here. We've clocked out of work, and we don't do freelance mental health care and counselling on this blog. Maybe call the White House switchboard instead. (Or, not. Your choice.) Operators are standing by, and I promise if you do, you'll rapidly have all the attention you seek, and 24/7/365 access to the mental health professionals you need. Probably for the next 30-50 years. BTW, we heard someone at the White House has been fucking Jodie Foster. Are you going to let that guy get away with poaching your girlfriend like that?)

There's One Born Every Minute

 h/t WRSA

Look, kids, while our love of unbridled caveat emptor capitalism is exceeded only by P.T. Barnum's (from whom the header quote sprung), anyone who buys "fuel thickener" for nearly $250/jug might as well take the family cow along too, to get some Magic Beans..

The traditional recipe for homemade napalm is 50/50 gasoline (any octane will do) and ordinary liquid dish washing soap. Palmolive retails for about $25/gallon, a savings of about $220 over the Magic Goo pictured above. You can substitute styrofoam for the soap in a pinch, but more stirring is required, it works better with diesel or fuel oil, and the quantity is arrived at by getting to the right consistency during the process. Every several gallons, dump in a jar of metallic (aluminum will do fine) ordinary craft glitter, which particles serve as condensation nucleii for the flammable glop. (If we have to explain condensation nucleii to you, you're already not tall enough to work at this lab bench station).

As the XL-18 flammenwerfer Throwflame sells (and don't get me wrong: mad props to them for making that beauty) boasts a capacity of 3.3 gallons, that's about $5 worth of regular unleaded, and about $35 worth of dish soap, and a few bucks for some glitter jars at the craft store. Which would only leave you with $200 still in your pocket by not buying the Magic Glop, above. But you do you.

We understand Throwflame's desire to part you from 245 bucks, but if they do so successfully, your 80 IQ is its own reward. And you're probably not bright enough to be playing with flammenwerfers in the first place. (Well, once maybe. But probably not twice.)

Suture self.

PSA

PSA

h/t CW

Disaster Relief

 

We cannot and do not, in good conscience, recommend sending so much as a thin dime to either the Red Cross nor Satan's Army for use for any victims of the current fires in SoCal.

1) The American Red Cross has the official policy that they, and they alone, will set a secret limit of relief for any given disaster. Any funds contributed for a given disaster which exceed that amount, will be shunted without informing you to their general operating funds, for use howsoever they see fit, including for disasters that are less sexy and PR-positive.

Any way you slice that, it's underhanded, and we refuse to give them any money because of that sneaky shit. They should either publicize it forthrightly, and either return excess contributions, or ask your kind permission before repurposing them for their own pocket.

Any other course of action is quite simply fraud.

2) Satan's Army, AFAWK, never fired the two woketarded @$$holes from a couple of years back, who promulgated as an official policy, the idea that whypeepo were the root of all evil.

Fuck them sideways, with a rusty chainsaw, until they forthrightly renounce that, publicly fire those two sumbitches at a public press conference, and apologize profusely for ever giving them a platform for their vile anti-white hate speech.

If you choose to send them instead a pre-printed White Guilt apology slip in lieu of cash in any amount, good on you.

If you choose to look up either of the above grifters' addresses, and instead send them a bag of dildos from an adult store, and suggest that their leadership eat said bag of dicks until they get their collective heads out of their hindquarters and return to their apolitical missions of humanitarian aid, feel free to do so, with our profound and sincere compliments.

Otherwise, seek other venues for any aid you might wish to contribute to actual victims. And vet any agency to which you contribute very carefully, to include who else they take care of. Ideally, such victims not being millionaire dilletantes who wouldn't give two shits if your home burned down. Anyone of those celebutwats who didn't send contributions to the Western NC or Florida hurricane victims "because that's Trump country" should be considered de facto ineligible for anything but another bag of adult appliances as well.

Do as you see fit.

TDS Is Real. And They Really Are That Bat-Sh*t Crazy.

Also: I have a bridge for sale. Cash only.

The 800 Pound Canary In The Coal Mine

Pardons be damned. Prosecute every one of the bastards anyways, down to the lowest level, and force them to prove their innocence, or proof of clemency, in court, after paying lawyers $1000/hr. Even if they've got pardons, they can all be compelled to testify fully and truthfully about every single crime they committed, or face fresh perjury charges which those pardons don't cover. Get their serial felonies on the public record, on national TV, 24/7. That will end any do-overs down the road, for thousands of them. And invariably, it'll turn up new co-conspirators not covered by pardons, who can - and should - be prosecuted to the hilt. Make the J6 Witch hunt look like a church egg toss. Make Retribution Great Again!

If nothing like that happens, it's all One Big Con, and the entire country is the mark.

Write that on your hand with a Sharpie, lest ye forget.

And bear well in mind, that's only taking cognizance of the current national political climate. The time may be far shorter than that. Remember that the incoming president is 78 years old, and 78 year-olds, even healthy ones, drop dead all the time, for every reason under the sun, including none at all besides random happenstance.

That's also not looking at geopolitical, economic, or eleventy other Swords Of Damocles hanging over humanity's head already. The whacktards they conned into pulling their own pants down on Doomsday Preppers were always only concerned about one ridiculous and highly improbable scenario, like being overrun by zombie Bigfoot hordes, or somesuch far-fetched idiocy. Real life isn't Retard TV plots. Actual preppers are concerned about every single real-life pear-shaped possibility. That's the difference between prudence, and psychotic delusion.

The beauty of being any kind of prepared is that there's a 95% crossover in terms of what you need to have in place, for any one apocalyptically bad day, as compared to any other one. It's the same eight to twelve main things, over and over. That's always been true.

Time flies. So get right, or get left.

But hope for hangings in batches in Lafayette Park, across from the White House. It doesn't cost you anything, and it's a consummation devoutly to be wished. Plus, whether it happens, or doesn't, you'll soon know exactly where you stand in the grand scheme. And full shelves and ammo cans will always gladden your heart, and make up for a host of empty promises.

PSA

 h/t CW

Baby Duck And Cover

Given: Nuclear war would be a bad thing.

And please believe me when I tell you that every possible nuclear war scenario has been wargamed out 20,000 times, and continues to be, multiple times annually, in multiple countries, particularly the nine (so far) acknowledged to have functional nuclear arsenals. And we usually assign our brightest strategists to play the OPFOR's side, just to keep everyone honest.

And what is the result, in every one of 20,000 scenarios?

It's that if one nuke flies, from anywhere, to anywhere, ALL of them fly, worldwide, times every country that has them, generally within about 72 hours of Event Zero. Every. Single. Time.

Go back and read that again in case you missed it. I have no need to bullshit anyone on this; it's findable in a hundred open-source articles. You could look it up.

So knowing that, you have three things to occupy your time.

1) You either have access, within minutes (measured in single digits) to a fallout and/or blast-proof nuclear shelter, with the necessaries to ride out the actual apocalypse. Or, you don't. Either way, you have nothing to worry about. For different reasons, in each event.

2) If you feel the need to Chicken Little anywhere on the internet, to any degree, about decisions around the world which would unleash a nuclear weapon, over which you have less than zero control (and I'm not naming any names or pointing any fingers here), your posts and bloviations generally aren't going to age well. Because

3) Either nothing is going to happen. (And for but one example, if you're Rootin' For Putin, his life expectancy if he reaches for the nuclear option can be measured in the draw time for any one of a dozen Makarovs pointed at his head from phone booth range. Which is why he's rattled that saber 57 times in the last three years, with zero intent to ever do anything, because he reads the same wargame studies from his guys.) Or pretty much all life north of the equator will be snuffed in a very short period. And you're back to Point 1, above.

Either way, nothing you could say or do on the topic is likely to make any difference for you, or anyone you'd reach, unless they live in Australia, or had 8-figure disposable incomes to establish a zombie apocalypse warlord base of operations - and did exactly that YEARS ago.

Neither you nor anyone reading your stuff is on the Nuclear Football phone tree, and our first clue about things will likely be when the weekend football feed goes all snowy with zero warning, followed by an annoying tone coming out of the tube.

If they even bother. It will be even less useful than anything else FEMA has ever done, which is saying something. Learn that now, and wrap your head around it ahead of time. If you're not 20 feet from a long-term shelter you control, you may as well just bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.

Sorry to piss on your apocalypse party, but there it is. Some of us went through this before you were born, for decades on end, and figured all this out before you got out of plastic pull-ups.

See if you can guess why we're less than impressed with it the second time around.

If anyone really cares, there are great books on the whole topic, most of them free online as pdfs, and so old most of the authors have already long since died. (That right there should serve as a hint about how timely this information is.)

So at the end of the day, all you're accomplishing, by running to and fro on the topic, is advertising your Baby Duck status to all and sundry, because you just started noticing a subject that was old news by about 1960. (For Common Core grads, that would be 64 years ago.) That's not a good look, nor a great resume-builder.

And unless you own one of those old Atlas or Titan missile silos (in which case, why bring the topic up at all?? You don't need more drop-in guests come the day...), and have converted it into a plush nuclear war retreat long before now, all you're doing is killing electrons and wasting bandwidth, and you're not going to be one of the 1%-of-the-population surviving nuclear mutants who comes out of the other end of that pipeline, should the unthinkable happen, to a statistically inarguable 99% certainty.

So stop flapping your wings, squawking, and shitting everywhere.

It's kind of embarassing.

For you.

So maybe less clickbait, and more utility, over something that actually matters.

Election Day PSA

When you frame the problem incorrectly, all your variables come out wrong.

(Addendum: I headed over to my polling place about 1600 local time. Normally there's 10-12 people, and it takes about 5 minutes to get inside to vote. This time, 80 people ahead of me. Took 45 minutes to get inside, took 2 minutes to vote. For the first time in years, on a multi-page paper ballot with check boxes. Not punch cards, not electronic voting machines. When I came out, the line was 100+ people long, snaking down the length of building and then halfway around the block. Another 40-50 folks while I waited showed up to drop off their mail-in ballots. And the location was open for early voting since last week. Whatever the final results, the turnout looks to be epic.)

Five Days

PSA

I've seen way too many of these. Don't be This Guy.

Memeography 101

We note today on the latest WRSA edition of memes that CA shared that he'd created a meme in about 5 minutes on imgflip.

We didn't think this knowledge was arcane enough that it needed to be shared, but for those who need it, we offer a brief tutorial.

Memes started here when we dedicated ourselves to the task of flinging as much sh*t as humanly possible against the douchebadges who arrested an ER nurse in Salt Lake City for refusing to violate the U.S. Constitution, state law, police and hospital policy, medical ethics, and sheer common sense, by refusing a completely illegal demand by Officer @$$hole to collect illegal evidence as a job-jacked medical minion of the state, from an unconscious person, not suspected of any crime, for said Officer Asshole, and his overbearing supervisor, Lt. Shitforbrains.

We are rather pleased that whatever small contributions we made contributed to Lt. Shitforbrains' eventual demotion, and Officer @$$hole becoming an ex-police officer for life, and hope he's enjoying the winos as an unarmed night shift security guard duty outside the local Circle K, or greeting the hoi polloi at WalMart.

He still deserves a daily kick in the balls for being one of the biggest dicks ever inflicted on the planet, but there are limits to what we can accomplish in a day.

But as a happy serendipity, we now get to create many of the pictures that accompany our posts, which breaks up the monotony of a wall of text, underlines and emphasizes our efforts, and most importantly, when we nail it, travels far and wide, flinging sh*t at idiocy far beyond the pages of one humble blog.

We may have put some words in Mr. Churchill's mouth,
and/or removed a digit from his hand. Sic transit mundum.

When (if) it's good, we might cost some folks a keyboard due to spit-takes. 

When it's better, other bloggers we enjoy pick it up and distribute it to an even wider audience.

When we're very lucky, it exceeds our wildest hopes, travels around the world over and over, and keeps coming back to us from other sources.

Which effort, incidentally, was when we started tagging them. It pisses us off when people use our creations without attribution. We still make $0 per meme; it's the principle of the thing. Some people are douchey enough to scrub it out, but fucktards gonna fucktard.

But in the grand scheme, we are not the World's Foremost Memester. Nor even in the Top Ten. We're probably in the top 1% of the anglosphere, in our niche, but even that's an enormous club. But we're definitely doing our part, and pulling our weight.

And there's a simple fact: None of us is smarter, or funnier, than all of us. And we see your comments, here and elsewhere. Some of you truly are some funny m*****f*****s. It was a commenter here that, AFAWK, dubbed the China Syndrome "Kung Flu". We were the first one to start memeing that, and in less than six weeks, it went all the way to POTUS, during a televised White House Press Briefing. We're particularly happy with that.

And if we can do it, so can you. And many of you ought to. We read somebody say something really good, and the wheels turn over, and it becomes a meme. Or we see a pic, and a caption or three spring immediately to mind. So for those of you who still haven't bothered to learn this arcana, we humbly offer the following brief treatment of how to do it yourself, so that you and your efforts can take their rightful place amidst internet lore, and add another hundredweight tub of flung sh*t to the edifices of Libtardia we'd all like to bring down.

First Iron Law Of Comedy:

Comedy requires Truth + Humor.

This rule cannot be broken without abject failure. Go back and read that again. Anybody can say funny things, or make funny memes. But if it's factually bullsh*t, you've faceplanted in front of the entire internet. That's generally behavior you're supposed to be lampooning, not aspiring to. Write that one on your hand, lest ye forget.

There's no law that says your meme has to be funny. (Thank a merciful deity.) But funny or not, it has to tell the truth. If you're not a Libtard, that shouldn't be hard.

But when you ignore this principle, you deserve all the scorn thrown at you. Which you're going to get, believe me. And you're an idiot. Which, like being dead, is something everyone knows, except you.

Outside of that, the sky's the limit.

You can simply tell the truth. In a time of lies, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.

You can meme a famous (or obscure) quote. From life, media, culture, iconic movie lines, whatever.

You can find a great picture and put your line(s) over it.

You can put words in the mouths of great men. (Try to make the satire obvious from space, please. See the second meme below the header.)

You can add your own captions to totally separate and unrelated events. Just like the lamestream news does 24/7/365.

If there's already a classic meme, you can re-invent it in your own style. Maybe yours is funnier, better, or more original.

Knock yourself out.

How To:

You have multiple options.

First off, you can use the Paint program that comes with about every computer sold. I do.

Generally, that will let you cut-and-paste and crop images as well, .bmps, jpegs, pngs, etc. (I have to translate the new WEBPs into jpeg or pngs with mine first to play with them, because it's old.) Use whatever works. The Paint programs usually allow you to add text too, in colors, with a choice of fonts. But there are some text limitations, which we'll discuss presently.

Learn it, love it, live it.

If you want to go Grand Master Class, you can rent Photoshop, and there's no end of what you can do with the pixels you create.

So go forth, find, and make your baseline masterpiece.

But you probably don't have (nor want) the bandwidth to host people clicking on that image 24/7/365. Like you hope they will.

But image-hosting sites do, generally for free. You may have to sign up, and provide some breadcrumbs to who you really are. Get over it.

As CA noted, you can do it through imgflip. I use IMGUR. There are many others. And you can also flip through Know Your Meme's catalog of what's already out there.

Most sites let you load a raw picture, and include that as or in a post.

I use that a lot for finished product, or bare pics I haven't futzed with at all. More on the former in a minute.

But, if you want to add their version of text, usually in just one font, you have to select the "make a meme" option, or something similar.

Which means before you upload that pic to add your text, look at your picture.

If the text can go on the pic and still get the point across, great. Type it in, and you can make it bigger or smaller to suit the space. Less is more, and bigger is better. Some people are looking at this stuff on their phones, FFS.

But if the text is going to kill the pic, you might be better off adding some black or similar-color text bars, top, bottom, or both, to contain your verbal efforts.

Do that in your paint or photo editor software.

A safe way is to make them way too big, then crop the excess away after the text is in place.

Again, more on that momentarily.

If you didn't need to crop anything, once your text is where you want it, CHECK FOR TYPOS. Looking like an illiterate f**k doesn't help anyone, and there's nothing more frustrating than making a killer meme, and finding out you mis-typed a word in your creative rush to the presses, and now have to start all over again. (Ask us how we know.)

Once you do that, and save it, your meme is done enough for prime time. Whichever site you're using provides a link you should cut and paste, to save it, display it, or share it around.

But, if you need to crop it, open that link, re-save the picture (imgur compresses everything down at this step), and put it back in your paint or editing software.

Blow it up to the original (or larger) size. I recommend 1000 pixels wide, minimum.

A good default for landscape is 1280 wide and 700-900 pixels tall. Your pic editing or paint software will generally let you specify one parameter, either height or width, and then enlarge the other one to scale, so you don't get a funhouse mirror distortion.

Crop any excess of your image out, especially any overslop text bars.

You can also cut pieces out and move them at this stage to center them visually, and make a better presentation. Do that, as necessary.

Signing Your Work

Once our product starting getting legs, we began cropping out "made in imgur", which always popped up at the right lower corner, and replacing it with a suitably small but readable "made by Aesop" tag, usually by adding a sacrificial neon green bar on the bottom edge big enough to contain Imgur's tag, knowing we'd whack it out at the final stage. then re-sign it with our own tag.

1) Because we want credit for our best works, and

2) because we own what we write, good or bad.

We figure we're already on twenty lists of Undesirables anyways. Get over that, too. That ship sailed the minute you logged online. And we also know some douchebags will try to crop our signature/watermark out, but that can't be helped. Sign it anyways, and make them work to be douchebags.

Sometimes (see above) we'll move our sig up, or flop the pic sideways, to make it harder to crop out. Some people/software let you put it anywhere, make it a semi-clear watermark, and/or slant it to match pic contours, or whatnot. Up to you.

It's also a couple of extra steps. but we feel it's worth it in the long run.

When it's literally picture-perfect, re-save it, and upload it as a simple image to the same image site, and save that link. (We'll usually kill the earlier working copy, both to save our time and host bandwidth when searching through old ones, and avoid the existence of dueling images. We may save the raw image to re-use for other memes*. Dealer's choice.)

Imgur, for example, has a library of about 50 certain pics that lend themselves to a million uses.

Sean Bean's "Brace Yourself", Gene Wilder's "Tell Me More", Office Space's "That'd Be Great", John Krasinski's whiteboard from "The Office", Steven Crowder's "Change My Mind", Picard and Riker's double facepalm, etc. etc. The list is endless, limited only by your imagination.

Throw in some bare facility to jerk around the right pixels, and you have a world of endless possibilities, limited solely by your own talent and imagination.

Now you have the bare tools to make your own memes in Shop Class, with any one of 500 billion images on the internet.

And with the endless clowncarnucopia of AI sites that will whip any picture from the ether at your whim, there's no limit to what Wrongthink mischief you can wreak on civilization, from pictures not yet even created.

If you can type, and work a mouse, you have the skills. If you're not on the Left, you have the requisite brains and sense of humor they lack by the metric f**kton.

Go forth and become the sh*t-posting memelord you have inside you, and help us tear the Libtardian behemoth down, and burn it to ashes. Or just crack up a few of your friends and neighbors. Civilization is in desperate need of both just now, and you may be the David that fells Goliath.

Show Notes

You're playing this:

How nice. But you should be playing THIS:

Kindly quit screwing around, and get back on the same page as the rest of the orchestra.

Image FYI

FYI, image uploads across the 'net are FUBAR'ed. This isn't anyone's site/host problem, it's a Goolag/Interwebz problem.

Always remember, technology is great, until it's not.

And The Jetsons was a documentary.

Remember this when they tell you how wonderful it will be when everyone has self-driving cars.

Stop. Teasing. Me.

 h/t Divemedic

Keep playing stupid games.
But don't say we didn't warn you.

FIFY

 h/t WRSA

No Knock PSA

At least make the bastards work for it.

Voting PSA

 h/t Mike