Borders? Wasn't That A Failed Bookstore?!

It's a Major Award

h/t WRSA

No, not a fishnet-stocking lamp with the glow of electric sex.

Today's Biff Tannen Award Winner:

Also known as How To Tell Me You Saw None Of These Movies Without Telling Me You Saw None Of These Movies.

To the creator of that turdwaffle: Well done. You have earned your Biff Tannen 'Make Like A Tree Award', with magna cum laude turd lump clusters. It also comes with a week's supply of petroleum jelly, and earnest hopes that, at some point, you lube up your other end, and pull your head out of it.

For any Common Core grads out there, we re-iterate the Golden Rule of Comedy:

Comedy = Humor + Truth 

Audience, see if you can guess which item Professor Faceplant left out of this meme.

Here's a hint, from the cast of the above flick:

This is consummate professional actor, Canadian Henry Czerny. He plays the double-dealing back-stabbing CIA professional upper-level bureaucratic apparatchik with incredible precision, as he's done against Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan in Clear And Present Danger, and against Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt in multiple Mission Impossible movies for 28 years now.

In the movie from which the meme was lifted, and the shots above, he's Eugene Kittredge, not just a CIA guy, and in the latest edition he's the actual Director of Central Intelligence, IOW the kingshit CIA person at the top of the whole festering dungheap.

Spoiler Alert!

Tom Cruise's Nathan Hunt, OTOH, and his IMF band of merry mischief-makers, are the exact folks Czerny's always backstabbing since the first outing, and whom he's seen explicitly double-crossing in high style, as well as hunting down specifically throughout this latest flick.

Trying to paint the IMF as "the CIA in the movies" is roughly about as retarded as trying to make Macaulay Culkin the villain in Home Alone. It takes a special kind of cultural tone-deafness to paint the IMF as "the CIA", coupled with a total unfamiliarity with any one of the MI movies to date. As in "never saw one of them in your life".

Which wins kudos for most ham-fisted meme fuck-up we've seen in weeks.

Yet again, well-done! Have you thought about working for the Biden Re-Election Campaign?

Don't quit your day job, Bozo.

Pottsreborn should have left this attempt in the pot. And then jiggled the handle until it went down.

Anyone can make a meme that doesn't land. No crime there. But no one should make one so bassackwards it plops, and leaves an odor of epic fail.

Actual movie CIA agents portrayed as good guys aren't hard to find: any version of Felix Leiter, or John Krasinski's Jack Ryan could have been selected with less trouble than swinging a dead cat. So this poor choice was stupid and lazy.

The idea for the meme was great. Rockstar, even. The execution was Special Olympics - Did Not Place.

Two final thoughts:

Just a suggestion, mind you.

ElastiGirl For The Prosecution, Pt. II

Pull up a comfortable chair, and grab a cold drink. We herewith continue the fisking of this gargantuan prosecutorial farce, picking up where we left off. And there's a loooong way to go yet.

"Finally, BALDWIN directly pointed a firearm at HUTCHINS and SOUZA. Whether guided by her directions or not, BALDWIN knew the first rule of gun safety is never point a gun at someone you don't intend on shooting. In addition, always assume a gun is loaded. Had BALDWIN performed the required safety checks with the armorer, REED, this tragedy would not have occurred. In addition, if BALDWIN had not pointed the gun at HUTCHINS and SOUZA, this tragedy would not have occurred."

At this point, Chief Persecutor Altwies switches from simple jackassical lawyering, to outright shitting in a projectile manner out of her largest orifice. (To be fair, her chief investigator is responsible for the pages of jackassical allegations after Page Two, and is proof you could swing dead cats in every police station you entered, and never worry about hitting a Mensa member or a Ph.D.)

Quoting verbatim from the relevant Industry-Wide Safety Guideline: 

"Refrain from pointing a firearm at anyone, including yourself. If it is absolutely necessary to do so on camera, consult the Property Master (or, in his/her absence, the weapons handler and/or other appropriate personnel determined by the locality or the needs of the production) or other safety representative, such as the First A.D./Stage Manager."

Because in Hollywood, guns get pointed at other people twenty times a day.

Only someone with pure shit for brains would say otherwise, in contradiction of tens of thousands of examples, going back decades, and with zero problems for 28 years, and only two fatal incidents in a century, one of them self-induced by the idiot actor shooting himself in the head with "just a blank".

Pointing the gun at the camera, cocking it, and pulling the trigger, in this instance, was the entire point of this specific rehearsal.

Furthermore, there was no "required safety check" that Baldwin was obligated by custom and practice to perform nor participate in, and in actual point of fact, any actor inserting themselves in the loading process would be told firmly to fuck right off, the first time, and sent home the second time. There would be no third time, because they wouldn't be on that movie any more. Actors don't load guns, gaffers don't move sandbags, makeup people don't run generators, and directors don't paint sets. Directors tell actors what to do, and actors do it. Weapons handlers load weapons, and hand them to actors. It's that simple. There were live rounds in Baldwin's gun solely and entirely because Reed and Halls fucked that up. Period. Full stop. End of story.

It wasn't Baldwin's job to check, witness, nor even necessarily be in the same zip code when his prop gun was loaded with dummy rounds. It was the Armorer's Assistant (Halls') job to witness the loading with dummy rounds by Prop Tart Reed, and it was he who handed the pistol to Baldwin, assuring him and the entire assembled crew, including Hutchins and Souza, that it was a "cold (not loaded with anything dangerous) gun". He's pled guilty to failing to perform that duty circumspectly. Reed's job was to load the gun with dummy rounds, and be in eyeball distance of that weapon at all times until it was returned to her armorer's cart. She was not to have any live rounds anywhere on that set, ever, and all rounds - dummy, blank, and live - should have been conspicuously marked to determine at a glance which was which.

{It's noteworthy that even the FBI Crime Lab could only tell what was what by kinetically pulling the rounds apart into their component pieces. Just like some online dipshits probably think actors would do on set every single time just before the camera rolls, right?}

Altwies charged Baldwin because she claims Baldwin:

*recklessly deviated from known standards and practice and protocol (he did no such thing)

*failed to receive ½ an hour of additional weapons training from a rank amateur (after the prosecutor herself certified Baldwin in her sworn statement of fact as having "extensive experience" with firearms)

*deviating from the required duties (there are no such "required duties" for actors, only for armorers and their assistants)

*letting the armorer leave the set against protocol (armorers answer to the 1st AD, not the actors, and the actor has no say whatsoever in what other people on set do or do not do)

*deviating from the practice of accepting the weapon only from the armorer (in fact, 1AD Halls deviated from the practice, by becoming the armorer's assistant himself, and as the person with the final say for safety on set, is the only one culpable for deviating from safety protocol)

*not dealing with safety complaints on set (that responsibility lies primarily with confessed reckless felon/1st AD Halls. Whom the prosecutor has already gifted with probation. And the person in charge of managing a production unit is cleverly called the Unit Production Manager, who was also not named Alec Baldwin. They, and they alone, deal with safety on set.)

*not making sure the protocol of safety meetings was occurring (again, that function is the sole purview of the UPM, and primarily in nearly every case on sets, the 1stAD: Halls)

*putting his finger on a real gun (It was Reed's job to make sure it was a prop gun, not a real gun, and the script and director, as well as the armorer and 1stAD were well aware that the script called for putting his finger on the trigger for that exact rehearsal and scene)

*not using a replica firearm for the unscheduled rehearsal (that was entirely Reed's decision and job for every minute of the production, without any excuse, unless she was mentally incapacitated or physically absent from the crew, in which case it would fall to the Prop Master or asst. weapons handler, about both of whom more presently)

*pointing the gun at HUTCHINS and SOUZA (exactly as they knew he would, as directed on the day, and according to the script and plot worked out days to months in advance)

*and the overall handling of the firearm in a negligent manner (which the prosecution has failed to demonstrate in any way, shape, or form, except to shift everyone else's jobs on the production onto Baldwin's shoulders, in contravention of all standard production practice and protocols, black-letter industry-wide safety guidelines in place since decades before Baldwin even entered the profession, all common Western jurisprudence since Hammurabi, and naked common sense)

In short, the prosecution's standard of conduct requires Baldwin, and every actor, to be clairvoyant, enslave other crew members, and take dictatorial control of the entire production, in contravention of any standards of common behavior, and violations of multiple binding legal agreements between dozens of motion picture and television producers, hundreds of union locals, and half a million production members in all those crafts and guilds, not least of which the P.G.A., the D.G.A., the IATSE of the AFL-CIO, SAG-AFTRA, and any number of ancillary entities, which violates federal and state labor laws in 50 states and 7 US territories, plus Canada.

Well-played, Madame Shitforbrains. Now sit the fuck down, and shut the fuck up about what you self-evidently know neither Jack, nor Shit.

But she's just getting warmed up!!!

She then tries to double-dip, and dunk on Baldwin as one of the producers on the show. She claims Baldwin is an expert on firearms based on performances in forty films or productions where he handled weapons, and then tasks him for a missing 30 whole minutes on this show, from an amateur so rank she didn't even have the requisite 30 days on union productions sufficient to apply for a union card in the Property Guild, and who admitted in multiple places (quickly purged from social media after the shooting on Rust) she felt she was in over her head on even this scrawny half-assed 18-day production (a typical minimal Hollywood production would run 30-90 days, minimum. This was shooting-it-on-credit-cards schlock, about a half step above a junior college stage play in the park). What Baldwin was going to learn in 30 additional minutes out of 60 that he hadn't been drilled on during 40 other real-deal productions is unlikely to have made any functional difference, and doubly so with someone who had left live ammo laying around all over set, without either a care or a clue.

Altwies also wrongly assumes Baldwin's job, as a producer, was to ensure industry standards were met. The problem with that is, Baldwin was a creative producer: he created the story, which director Souza turned into a screenplay and working script. That, and showing up to act, was the entire extent of Baldwin's "producing" responsibilities.

When there's a gaggle of producers (like the 10-12 associated with Rust) some producers - like Baldwin - are creative types. Some are merely "the money", and are usually titled "Executive Producers". But because you can't make a dinner with ten or twelve chefs, one of the gaggle of producers is usually titled "Line Producer". He's the "yes or no" man, who, in conjunction with (and/or sometimes in the dual role of) the UPM, decides what will be done, day to day, on any production set. They decide what expenditures, cast, and crew, are either in, or out, what will be done, and what won't, and come down like a hammer to axe ideas, hire and fire people, and generally crack the whip to keep things moving from Page 1 to The End.

That person, on Rust, was also not named Alec Baldwin. Baldwin thus had no duty to ensure anygoddamnedthingwhatsoever on Rust, other than showing up to set on time, and knowing his lines. Failure to do that would get him fired, and wrap the production. But it's certainly not a chargeable criminal offense.

In fact, what the prosecution is alleging as criminal conduct, was his exact presence on set, rehearsing a scene as directed, and doing exactly what he was hired and paid to do as an actor: point a prop weapon at the camera, cock the gun, and pull the trigger.

The total number of live rounds that are supposed to be fired on any set, ever, anywhere, is exactly ZERO.

When that doesn't happen, the only person or persons who can ever be responsible, are the weapons handler/propmaster, and their weapons assistant.

Who acquired the prop weapons for this show? Reed.

Who was responsible for ensuring training took place? Reed.

Who brought the guns to set? Reed.

Who was responsible to supervise, eyeballs-on, all weapons at all times on set? Reed.

Who was responsible for maintaining custody of all ammo - dummy, blank, and live - on set, at all times? Reed.

Who was responsible for conspicuously marking all live rounds, so that they could be seen at a glance by anyone, and not confused with dummy or blank rounds? Reed.

Who was responsible to keep all live rounds locked up, and not anywhere near prop guns on a working set? Reed.

Who loaded the live rounds into Baldwin's prop gun? Probably Reed. (More to come on that score, later in this post, in due course.)

Assisted/double-checked by? Halls.

Once loading was accomplished, who was responsible to hand out weapons on set? Reed and Halls.

Who was responsible to stay with all weapons until they were turned back in? Reed and/or Halls.

If all of that, or even just most of that, had occurred, the incident in question wouldn't have.

"Evidence shows that REED possessed no certification or certifiable training, or union "card" for this practice, and that she admitted she was the armorer for only one (1) film prior to this production, approximately in April of 2021."

(During filming of which earlier shitshow, The Old Ways, it is alleged that Nicolas Cage himself screamed at Reed for her incompetence for having a blank go off in one of multiple NDs that "just blew my fucking eardrums out!!!". Remember that Nicolas Cage is actually Nicolas Coppola. As in Francis Ford's nephew. Never take sides against the Family. Reed's Hollywood career is, thankfully, deader than Fredo after a Tahoe fishing trip. Which will save countless lives going forward.)

Baldwin was responsible for no aspect whatsoever of direct production work on Rust, not for hiring or firing of crew members, nor for ascertaining their certifications and training (nor lack thereof), nor for what additional duties were assigned to her (such as property assistant), nor enforcing any safety rules on set, at any time, ever.

The person(s) who do that on every production since ever are the 1st Assistant Director (Dave Halls) Unit Production Manager, (not Baldwin), and the line producer (also not Baldwin).

"Evidence also shows that Sarah Zachary was hired as the prop master for the production. It also shows that she was assigned to assist REED with her armoring[sic] duties. Evidence and statements show that Sarah Zachary possessed little to no experience with firearms, firearm safety, armorer duties and responsibilities, etc. it also shows that Sarah Zachary was assigned to/allowed to load and unload ammunition in firearm(s), handle firearm(s), and act as an armorer when on-set with actors/doubles taking possession of the firearms. Evidence shows this was done multiple times and without REED being on the set as well. Evidence shows...the production team's awareness..."

"Prior to the shooting incident, Sarah Zachary had a negligent discharge while handling a revolver intended to be used by an actor in the filming. This weapon was not BALDWIN's weapon but had similar/same mechanical function and appearance (single action revolver) and was intended for use by the "...marshals...". Statements show that Sarah Zachary was holding and manipulating the weapon while walking and she discharged a blank cartridge  {unless FBI-supervised forensic archaeology was performed at that location, and no expended slug was found to a depth of several feet, that was a LIVE round, not a BLANK round, until proven innocent.-A.}  into the ground next to her foot. Industry standards, practices, and protocols consider negligent discharge(s) reckless in nature that require immediate action and/or swift and certain mediation up to and including remedial training, demotion, removal from the set, termination, etc."  {In point of fact, there is no such standard or protocol extant, and NDs "require" no such thing in the industry, but common sense does, and that's why she should have been thrown dafuq off the set, same day, hard enough that her ass wouldn't have bounced between the boot planted there at the UPM's office door and her car in the crew parking lot, and probably escorted by security all the way off the movie ranch. - A.} 

"Also prior to the shooting incident, another ND was committed by a stunt double as he was handling/manipulating a lever action period rifle, loaded and left unattended with the stunt performer while in a holding tent."

Jesus H. Christ, was there any adult supervision anywhere on that entire production???

Oh FUCK NO, because the person on set directly responsible for set safety is the 1st Assistant Director. Dave Halls. The guy who double-checked - or at least, was *supposed* to do so - Baldwin's (and all the other) guns, and who has already pled guilty to reckless criminal negligence resulting in the death of director of photography Halyna Hutchins, and the wounding of Director Joel Souza.

"Evidence indicates that that on or about the 13th day of filming, only three (3) or four (4) safety meetings were conducted by the assistant director. Practice and standards investigated indicated that a daily safety meeting should be conducted with the crew, regardless of the scenes for the day's shoot. The lack of meetings and the lack of appropriate conduct of said meetings resulted in a climate of recklessness as evidenced by the conduct of the cast and crew documented through statements and evidence. In addition, no safety meeting was conducted on the day of the incident. Safety meetings were supposed to be listed on the call sheet daily but were not. Meetings were called randomly throughout the day, but with no mandatory attendance required. These meetings should, pursuant to standard protocols, be conducted prior to the beginning of the day, where all members of the cast and crew should be required to attend." 

Kudos. That last paragraph, after 11 pages in the statement of charges, is the first time the prosecutor uttered three lines in a row without either lying, or fucking up the standards so hard they'll never walk straight again. (But to be honest, she bungled the entire first line, which you can find at the Daily Mail link, wherein she tried to dishonestly palm the problems onto Baldwin, for the fortieth or fiftieth time. Habits die hard when you're this much of an idiot, I suppose.)

"On October 20,2021, the original camera crew resigned, citing safety concerns, commute times, pay, and other issues."

"On the day of the shooting...Evidence and statements show that the 1st Assistant Director, David Halls (hereinafter HALLS) was present on the set. ...Evidence and standards show that HALLS had the additional duty of 'safety coordinator' by virtue of his position. However, that position does not afford the handling or manipulation of firearms."

"Evidence and statements also show that HALLS, by virtue of his position, is the first point of contact for an armorer when they bring a firearm on set and is the first person required to conduct a safety check with the armorer and weapon. {The first part of that is correct, and the second is pure bullshit. There is no "required safety check" with the 1stAD, and everything that follows in that paragraph is continued total horseshit pulled out of someone's ass. And prosecutor, true to form, after damning Halls' failures ten different ways, tries to make it Baldwin's fault. Again. -A.}

"HALLS, again, by virtue of his position and industry standards and practices, is prohibited and/or strictly discouraged from handling any of the firearms on a set. As such, industry standards, policies and practices call for the armorer to be on set and to stay on set any time a firearm is on set." 

Madame Lafarge then goes on to document another baker's dozen of serial and grossly negligent fuck-ups and failures by HALLS, REED, and ZACHARY, and then tries to shoehorn them all up Baldwin's ass because "one of ten or twelve producers."

So, let's get this straight:

The armorer was incompetent, and failed to do her job 57 different ways. The Prop Master was grossly and recklessly incompetent. The stunt people were incompetent. The 1st AD should never have been in the chain of firearms handling, checking, or custody, and was incompetent another 57 ways, and has pled guilty already to being grossly and criminally negligent resulting directly in the death of another person. The UPM and/or Line Producer hired all these bozos, knowingly, and knowing all the ways weapons violations protocols were being buttfucked on-set, daily, to the point that the entire camera crew, save Hutchins, had already walked right the fuck off the set the day before the shooting (and saved their own lives, obviously.) But neither/both of them didn't address any of these concerns despite losing their entire camera crew the day before, and didn't fire anybody in the whole fucked up bunch of assclowns, ever. For anything.

So let's charge Baldwin, rather than most of these walking assclowns, because we don't like him, it'll draw more media coverage, and because he had nothing to do with any of this?!?

That's the entire prosecution's case.

Altwies already pled 1st AD Halls out, despite him being nearly 50% of the culpable in this case. She isn't charging Propdisaster Zachary, who may well have swapped live rounds in for dummy rounds, through sheer ignorance, at any point in this misbegotten clown show clusterfuck. She isn't charging the UPM, who's directly responsible for addressing the safety concerns she tries to pack up Baldwin's ass. She isn't charging any Line Producer, nor so much as a single other one of the entire gaggle of producers, for all the multitudinous failures to follow basic safety rules on set.

Just Baldwin, and Prop Tart. 

And Prop Tart Reed absolutely owns 51% of this mess, having violated virtually every single safety reg that exists. Multiple times, on only her second film outing. Way to go, nepotistic assclown!

In Summary

Whoever the chief investigator relied upon for "standard industry practice, custom, and protocol" did them no favors, materially lying about numerous supposed non-existent "protocols". It may be what they do, but it isn't "industry standard", "customary" nor "practice". The Industry-Wide Safety Bulletins, (as the name implies) however, are gospel throughout the United States and Canada, and rather than being written on air, or pulled out from up someone's ass, are searchable online, and have been for twenty years. They are authoritative. Sumdood who did props once, at BuffaloHump, NM, isn't going to stack up well against them.

At the end of the day, Baldwin did his job, as required, and following the script of the production, and all safety customs, practices, and protocols, as far as it was within his own power to do so, by all testimony and evidence. It was not and cannot be his fault, nor responsibility, to do the job of everyone else on set, when they manifestly failed to perform their own job duties, failing basic common sense and industry practices, over and over again. And one of whom has already pled guilty to the exact crime(s) and "reckless criminal negligence resulting in manslaughter" at issue.

The chain of assclowns on that show who screwed the pooch by the numbers, is now hovering at between two and six people, just based on the charging statements. And none of them is named Alec Baldwin.

If Baldwin's attorney(s) doesn't mop the floor with this special ed prosecutor's half-assed fairytales and nonsense, and leave her as a bleeding quivering mass on the courthouse floor by the time he's done, he should be disbarred for gross incompetence and mental retardation.

Baldwin's one helluva good actor, and a total asswipe douchecanoe regarding his political and 2A views. He also deserves all the personal comeuppance for what happened, after all his bloviating crap about guns and gun owners in America. Karma's a bitch, and my epicaricacy knows no bounds. But he's also legally innocent of any wrongdoing in this case.

And now, Baldwin's future is going to be in the hands of twelve people too stupid to avoid jury duty. That should make some of you out there very happy. Be careful what you wish for. 

And mind your own ass when the worm turns and wants a piece of you.

ElastiGirl For The Prosecution

Last week, in comments by nick flandrey, it was noted that the N.M. idiot prosecutor had released their charging documents regarding Alec Baldwin.

I ask forbearance for taking this long to get back to that, but wading through 12 pages of mostly pure horseshit takes a toll, and I could only stand a page or two at a time.

TL;DR? Prop Tart Hannah Reed was clearly only the second-most retarded and incompetent person at their job in that state in October of 2021. Prosecutor Altwies FTW.

-------------

Detailed fisking, after perusing twelve pages of nonsense, follows:

The only count arguable for any defendant is the second count "a lawful act...which might produce death without due caution and circumspection".

Halfwit D.A. Mary Altwies then goes into considerable detail to make her case, as one would hope in such a proceeding.

Her first error is referring to Baldwin as "a primary producer of the film". In forensic argument, this called Lying With The Truth, as Baldwin was, in fact, a producer of the film, but as there were ten to twelve such producers, the only way to make him primary would be to ass-rape the English language in open court. He was no such thing.

Baldwin came up with the story idea, which he assigned to the company, in exchange for being lead actor, credit as one of the producers, and likely a fraction of the gross profits. (There are no net profits on movies, as Art Buckwald learned to his chagrin after Paramount stole the idea for Coming To America from him, and when he won the suit, they explained to him how he was owed nothing, since it "never made a profit", on a movie that grossed $289M). Starring in the movie, and coming up with the story idea, were the sum total of his producer responsibilities on the project. Trying to rope him into being legally responsible for conduct outside of that is far beyond recockulous, and his culpability never rises above a share of civil damages (good luck with that on an LLC), let alone criminal conduct.

The D.A. alleges that the scene being rehearsed "did not require the weapon to be fired". Problem she's going to have there is that sworn affidavits from all concerned a year and a half ago stated that the scene was of Baldwin's character drawing, cocking, and firing while pointing right at the camera. In subsequent paragraphs, the D.A. admits that the rehearsal repeatedly involved Baldwin practicing drawing, pointing, and cocking the pistol, with his finger on the trigger. And the only way to let the hammer down after cocking it is to pull the trigger. So the D.A. cannot have this both ways, and still claim "J'Accuse!". At the end of the day, it won't matter, in any event, because none of that action matters in proving Baldwin's criminal negligence.

The D.A. alleges that common practice would have been to use a "plastic gun or replica gun".

1) That's not common practice.

2) That's not up to Baldwin, neither as actor nor producer.

3) It would have been idiotic to use anything that couldn't be cocked and fired, as that's the exact thing being rehearsed. So suggestions of using a plastic gun are quite simply retarded, as well as factually wrong. And it's also not common practice to swap back and forth between the "hero" prop, and a replica, between rehearsal and shooting the scene. That just adds more unnecessary complication and confusion, so once again, is neither common practice, nor smart, and thus a functionally retarded suggestion.

The following is quoted at length:

"Statements and evidence show BALDWIN was not present for required firearms training prior to the commencement of filming. Statements, depositions from OSHA, and evidence show BALDWIN was provided only minimal training on firearms, even after REED requested more training for BALDWIN. In the deposition taken from REED, she state BALDWIN had very limited training on the cross-draw that was required for the scene on the 21st and limited training in firearms and how to check his own firearm as to whether it was unloaded or loaded, in which REED felt it was very important in his role as RUST[sic]. A training session for at least an hour or more was scheduled, but the actual training consisted of only approximately 30 minutes as according to REED, BALDWIN was distracted and talking on his cell phone to his family during the training."

Waitwaitwait.

So the District Attorney is saying that, based on the deep experience (roughly 5 minutes of actual cinematic weapons handling) of Reed, Baldwin wasn't competent, because he missed 30 minutes of a 60-minute training session, conducted by such a rank amateur?!?

And after 15 months of investigation and deliberation, that's what they brought to court to find Baldwin negligent?

We'll get back to the D.A's allegation that Baldwin was incompetent at weapons handling later in her summation. [Hint: Shot herself in the foot, right there. No pun intended.]

She then notes that the F.B.I. was unable to get the weapon in question to fire inadvertently. 

Point Of Order: You cannot "prove" a negative. The FBI merely proved they couldn't get the weapon to fire inadvertently, not that it cannot be done. "Unable to reproduce result" damns the tester, not the allegation, by logical necessity. Edison couldn't get a light bulb to work 999 times, either. That didn't prove electric light bulbs are impossible.

The FBI did find FIVE OTHER live rounds on the set of Rust, in addition to the one that went off, and further determined that they did not match any rounds on hand at the prop supplier for the picture (in what must have been a vast relief to that company).

Of the five recovered, 

one was in Reed's possession when police arrived, 

one was on her armorer's cart (along with the spent casing from the fatal round fired) 

one was on a bandolier on her cart, 

one from Baldwin's holster [sic - probably belt loop] inside the church, and 

one from an unsecured ammunition box located on the armorer's cart. 

So there were six live rounds in total scattered all around the working set. All in violation of an entire safety bulletin, and all totally without any knowledge of same, by Reed, Halls, or anyone else.

And anyone figures Baldwin, unlike the propmaster, weapon handler, weapons assistant/1st AD, stunt people, or anyone else, would have been able to determine this critical fact on the day, by "checking"...how, praytell?

"Evidence further shows that BALDWIN, as an actor who has extensive experience in the film industry involving firearm(s)"

Waitwaitwait, D.A. Yappypants: Just a few short paragraphs back, you were alleging that Baldwin was a menace to society because he was undertrained, having perhaps missed 30 more minutes of weapons instruction of someone doing firearms in movies for less time than the reader has been reading this article, so far. WTAF?!?!? Which is it? You can't have that both ways, yet here we are.

Then she damns him, as an actor, for not demanding 

"at least (2) two safety checks between the armorer and himself and witnessing the handling of firearms by the first assistant director. Standard protocol is the armorer to show the firearm, pull the bullets out in front of the actor, and demonstrate there are no live rounds (but dummies) in the firearm. BALDWIN knows this is standard safety protocols he has mentioned it in media interviews and in law enforcement interviews. REED did not do this protocol in front of BALDWIN. BALDWIN did not object to this action. REED discusses in her interviews with OSHA and law enforcement this should have occurred. REED also acknowledges in her interviews she should have been in the church with the firearm at all times. Instead, she left the church while BALDWIN was in possession of a firearm while in close proximity to cast and crew. BALDWIN further acknowledges that it is standard protocol for armorers to stay with the firearm at all times in the media and interviews."

This is why it was so hard to get through this. There is so much bullshit in that one paragraph, it would choke a 40-mule wagon team to death at one sitting.

The industry regulations for firearms are here. The ones for live ammunition are here.

There is NO REQUIREMENT that the rounds be loaded in front of the actor. The requirement is that the armorer and their designated armorer assistant check the weapon and monitor the loading. Actors near the line of fire may request to witness that loading. There is no stipulation that the actor holding the prop, or anyone else, check the loading, witness it, nor even be present. Period. Counselor Halfwit could look it up.

And so far, she's just done a splendid job of damning the multiple failings of Prop Tart Reed, and admitted criminal felon Halls, (let off by the same D.A. with just a six-month's probation wrist slap) who was the first assistant director, and has already admitted his own criminally negligent failures to provide due diligence in weapons checking.

All they've got Baldwin on are not doing Reed's job, and not doing weapons assistant (and 1st Assistant Director) Halls' jobs, and yet they're trying to make it Baldwin's responsibility to triple-check their performance and whereabouts, something which is no part of anyone else's job, not actors, not directors, and not producers. This all happened because of serial failures by Reed and Halls, as we've told you. And told you. And told you.

But wait! There's more!

And which, in due course, we'll continue with. This is only the halfway point of Altwies' wander into stretching like ElastiGirl to come up with some theory whereby any of the cock-ups detailed on that cursed production are Baldwin's fault, and frankly, we're hungry, and a nice meal beats the prospect of examining the rest of Altwies' halfwitical brain droppings, rather than tucking in to a fine dinner. We'll pick this up later, after our appetite cannot be further ruined.

I Laughed Until It Hurt: Full Beverage Alert

Swallow anything in your mouth, set all beverages down. Seat belts optional, but strongly suggested. Anyone with incontinence issues maybe ought to double up on the Depends.

Tam: I Can't Stop Watching This 

My sides still hurt, and I'm only up to the third run-through.

I would pay good cash money for the recording of the phone call to State Farm regarding the destroyed car.

3:1 odds the neighbors hold an intervention, and tell that family: "You're too stupid to live among us, and you've got 90 days to move out for good. But keep in touch. We'll be laughing at your exploits until you kill yourselves."