Friday, August 31, 2018

Well-Identified Flying Object In The Skies Over America

It's bad enough that you get molested by the government every time you fly.
But apparently some of those skies are getting horribly beyond friendly.

Look, we already knew that United Breaks Guitars.
(And if you haven't seen that 18M view viral video, go watch it, right now. We'll wait. Then Google the full story.)

But this going quite a bit too far.

(MUNCHKIN PUNCHER AIRLINES) Mikaela Dixon, 21, was traveling with her boyfriend on August 11 when she noticed the man inappropriately touching himself.
“My bf was asleep in the window seat, I’m in the middle, and the man is in the aisle. I had no idea what to do, I couldn’t get up bc I didn’t want to go anywhere near him,” she tweeted about the incident that gave her the “worst panic attack of [her] life.”
Dixon went on to say she couldn’t alert the attendant without the man finding out, so she had to wait until he left his seat. “I sat there shaking until he got up to go to the bathroom as we landed,” she wrote.
After being alerted of the incident, a United flight attendant moved Dixon to another row and reportedly told her the airline had contacted local law enforcement.
When the man “bolted” to get off the plane, Dixon claims he was detained and escorted into the airport. When she inquired about what would happen to him, Dixon said the airline refused to tell her and instead gave her $75 of “hush money.”
Dixon later learned the passenger had been released and when she called the Chicago Police Department, they told her they hadn’t been alerted to the incident.
So UAL lied to the passenger, then tried to buy her off with $75?!?  Srsly??
If the guy had told a fat cankled snotty-mouthed stewardess to get stuffed, or refused to be ejected because they fraudulently double-booked his seat, they'd have had the guy tasered, beaten with truncheons, and dragged off the plane by the hair.

But after several hours' lewd conduct in public, they not only provide him a getaway, but then cover up his escape!
IANAL, but I think that's grounds for civil and criminal charges as accessories after the fact and criminal conspiracy.

And then they try to cover with an offer to the passenger victimized by the douchecanoe for less than she could have made doing lap dances in first class.

And I'm not blaming the victim, but...: not telling the BF?
I'm betting if she'd woken him up with an elbow to the ribs, the perp would have been met at O'Hare by paramedics and rescue ambulance, and they'd have had to decon the plane after all that blood soaked into the upholstery.

I (and most guys between 18-80) would have cheerfully beaten the guy mostly to death, with the fold-down meal tray and a rolled up magazine, until the new game in coach class would be a new in-flight entertainment program called "find all the missing teeth and testicles". And then fastened his lap belt so securely that doctors would still be trying to find his giblets three weeks after he was removed from the flight. He could also probably have looked forward to being the only guy in Chicongo whose fingers could point in ten directions at once, permanently, too.

This sort of thing would've just been the warm-up act.

I'm not using hyperbole, either. When some nutbag tried to open a door mid-flight at altitude shortly after 9/11, the passengers on board dog-piled him and literally squashed him to death under the pile, and the death was ruled completely justified at inquest. As it ought to have been.

So for United to lie about the incident and expedite his escape is grounds for something class-action around mid-eight figures, and seeking a criminal indictment from a grand jury for every participant from the airline in this sordid incident.

But being that it's United, I'm really mainly surprised they didn't try to bill the victim a premium for extra in-flight entertainment.

Those black-light investigations they do at hotels, to show how poorly they clean, by revealing what appears under UV? Probably something that needs to be done on all United Airlines aircraft in service.

Eek! Something besides passengers has been flying through the air in that cabin!

If the FAA were to ground their whole fleet for a month or two to do that, I think it would help drive the point well home with those @$$clowns.

And if I were the victim, I'd be raising unholy hell with the FAA, my congressweasel and senators, and news stations at both ends of that flight until that investigation was begun in earnest.


Divemedic said...

OF course, there is also the possibility that the man didn't do anything, and she is just an attention seeking publicity whore, which now that I think about it, is probably what happened. I find it beyond believable that a woman would sit there quietly while a man masturbated to completion with her BF literally 3 inches away, and not only did the the woman say nothing to anyone until he was finished and went to the bathroom to wash up, but no one else on the aircraft noticed, either.

Aesop said...

That would have been my thought, except that
a) United acknowledges the incident +1
b) so does Chicongo PD +2
c) United puts the Che in douche +3
d) she's not represented by Gloria Allwet +4

So I'm going with everything probably went down as described.

June J said...

Perhaps she enjoyed the show and was disgusted at herself afterwards for it.

Of course United like most airlines is not overly concerned about customer service or doing the right thing.

“United Breaks Guitars” was phenomenal and followed by millions of feeble attempts to achieve the same level.

Unknown said...

We just dont fly. Period.

I'm no BillyBob-BadAss but I can assure you a viral video would come out of my reaction to the TSA shitbags groping my kid. So in light of the fact that a) I don't want my kid molested and b) I don't want to end up in a NDAA hole we just don't fly.

Pat H. said...

I no longer fly either, last time was 13 years ago. Considering the fact that I used to fly on Army helicopters, fear isn't involved.

I agree, the BF should have been informed and IF he refused to take action, then informing the Flight Attendant should have been called. Don't they have a call button these days.

Allen said...

My bet was that to say or do anything would have indicated a certain cultural or racial insensitivity.

Anonymous said...

I saw over on Zero's blog that you're eating out of the pantry this month. I really enjoyed your AAR last time you gave that a go. Looking forward to another article, if time permits.

Anonymous said...

I love aviation and I love flying but I refuse to fly commercial now - period. Won't do it. Until I win the lotto and can charter a gulfstream I'm not flying anywhere. I'll gladly drive across the country. If I have to go oversees I'll gladly book a room on a freighter (yes you can indeed do that) and spend the extra time getting to my destination.

What I won't do is deal with the effing tsa or get into those germ ridden cattle cars they call airliners these days.

Stealth Spaniel said...

Flying is just so awfull now! When I was in high school, and this shows my age; a group of us would go to LAX, sit in a lounge and watch planes land and take off. We'd yap about going to Paris or London-ready for that jet setter life. I remember rent-a-guards, but TSA, hijacking, and insanity wasn't a common everyday thing. A friend wants a group of us to go to Bend, Oregon for my birthday. (What's in Bend?) So, we'd have to fly to make job committments. I hear that you can't even count on your plane taking off as scheduled. This same friend went to Hawaii in May, and said her flight-time was changed 3 times at the airport. I hate flying, and frankly I'd rather drive in deep snow to Reno. If everyone insists, I'll go but bringing sani-wipes, my own fly pillow, and wearing loose clothes.

Domo said...

"a) United acknowledges the incident +1"
United agrees she reported an incident, thats rather different

Unfortunately, all we have is an accusation that couldn't be proven, at all, never mind that can't be proven in this instance.
Had she jumped up and shouted help, there would be 50 witnesses, she didn't, there aren't, so it's not a police matter.

Aesop said...

Unfortunately, reality, and the penal laws in 50 states and 7 territories disagree with your interpretation.

She didn't accuse the guy of waving his willy out in public where 57 nearby passengers could see it, but who somehow failed to notice.
The guy was sitting on an aisle.
Second, the airline, in re-seating the passenger in a new seat, has tacitly admitted the likelihood is greater that she's telling the truth than not.

Nice try, counselor, but your client is still on the hot seat, and your pro forma motion to dismiss at arraignment is dismissed; this one goes to trial, where a jury gets to decide whether or not to believe plaintiff.

And in the interim, an investigation will also uncover whether Mr. Tallywhacker has a previous record of lewd conduct.

Welcome to how it works in the real world, when third parties don't both create an alibi, and materially aid in the escape of the defendant.

This is what happens when a company lets cocktail waitresses with a GED arbitrate criminal complaints on their own hook, instead of, y'know, actually call the cops, as was requested on the spot, at the time, by plaintiff. That case will be charged separately. I predict something with a lot of zeroes after it, with 50/50 odds of settlement or judgment.