Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Bomb. Lame Bomb.

h/t Weasel Zippers

Producers of the perennial fan-fave Bond films apparently didn't get the message from Solo (which, incidentally, was also the number of tickets sold to see it), and also apparently think that Wakanda is real.

So after finally retiring Daniel Craig, after one awesome re-boot, a couple of mediocre outings, the last shitastic James Bomb movie that made David Niven's version of Casino Royale look like Shakespeare, and gave us a villain so lame that Vern Troyer looked tougher onscreen by comparison, the only way to descend lower than dragging a reluctant self-loathing Craig back for even worse performances is the apparent decision to make 007 Lashana Lynch, pictured right, above.

Apparently, Oprah was too fat, Whoopie Goldberg was too old, and Queen Latifah couldn't pull off an English accent.

Since they're going all-out SJW, obliviously unafraid of the fanlash from Kathleen Kennedy's mangling of the Star Wars franchise, Jar-Jar Abrams riding Star Trek into a smoking hole, the epic flops of the chick-laden Ghostbusters and Oceans8 disasterpieces, lesbian Batgrrl, and the buckets of vomit over magical Grrl-Power Captain Marvel, apparently the owners of the Bond franchise have decided to cash out, sell out, and burn the whole thing down to the ground, all at once. Starting right after the next sure-to-be-mediocre sequel, as Daniel Where-Did-My-Career-Go Craig drags his ass out for one last paycheck from Ian Fleming LLC.

Apparently they DGAF that the people who buy most movie tickets are white guys from 15-35. Not chicks-in-da-hood. At least, until Bond 26 comes out.

All that leaves is for Hollyweird to have Grindelwald kill Dumbledore in the next Harry Potter-world flick, and reboot the whole series starring some gay pedophile as the headmaster at Hogwarts, and then cast Pee Wee Herman as the lead in the final Terminator sequel ever made, and their work here is done.

Hollywood: "We f**k everything up, because we can."


MMinLamesa said...

Too bad. I thought Craig's Bond, especially in the first, was the best Bond of all. He played Bond, sans quips, as the cold blooded assassin he was written to be. Really got tired of those stupid jokes started by Connery in Goldfinger and taken to the point I only caught one Roger Moore version.

I had a higher opinion of the second than you and really liked the 3rd, Skyfall. Fiennes tells Bond not to "cock it up" Great line. He's perfect as M and I mean perfect-why in hell they deemed it necessary to have a woman as M escapes me but I was glad to see her get it.

I remember reading Fiennes emphatically saying after Criag leaves, the new Bond should not be black or a woman-guess they took that advice to heart.

Waltz was great in that Nazi movie(the title escapes me) but his villain in the 4th was badly written, borderline stupid. Killed the flick for me.

The producers must be out of their fooking minds. This woke shit is killing some cool stuff. This baby has tank written it.

Further, the public grousing by Craig about playing Bond was bullshit. Fooking gets paid untold wealth and he's gotta slam the deal. Kiss off assdick.

Anonymous said...

No worries. If AOC et all have their way all us H88888ers will be required to buy a certain number of movie tickets/movie. No way you say? Hold on.. interstate commerce. Movie is shown in 2-50 states and viola interstate commerce.

Another thing.. do they adjust ticket sales $ amounts for inflation? I bet if they did there would be even more bombs.

Domo said...

"Another thing.. do they adjust ticket sales $ amounts for inflation? I bet if they did there would be even more bombs."

They do not, but they do measure vaguely real costs, which will track inflation.

If a film cost $100mn and grossed $500mn it was pretty successful, wether that was in 1970 or 2020 isn't important

Anonymous said...

I saw a Daniel Craig James Bond movie on TV. He reminded me more of Vladimir Putin than James Bond. I could not get into his character.

I am completely amazed at how Hollywood is working so hard at destroying their most valuable intellectual property, and have no original material. It is almost like they want to kill Hollywood and the American Movie Industry; as well as the rest of California.


Anonymous said...

Random thought.

Will they make Lashana Lynch's James Bond a lesbian? She is a black, female and they may as well go for the trifecta. It will also be a good excuse to lots of scantily clad beautiful women in the movie. Or would that now be verboten as objectifying the women?

Another random thought. How about the purple haired butch Rappinoe as one of the villains? It would be woke and trendy!


RandyGC said...

I always thought Craig looked more like a KGB than an MI6 type. (Specifically, in some of his earlier publicity shots I thought he looked liked Putin's brother). Granted that would be an asset for an operative running ops against the KGB.

June J said...

Add another reason to the existing 4,302,249 reasons to ignore Hollyweird's offerings.

Most of the executives/decision makers in the movie business wouldn't know an original idea if it fell on their heads.

Angantyr said...

"Will they make Lashana Lynch's James Bond a lesbian?"
"How about the purple haired butch Rappinoe as one of the villains? It would be woke and trendy!"

Don't give the bastards any more ideas! I would honestly not be surprised if BOTH of the above were incorporated...

Tannhauser said...

"Apparently,Oprah was to fat,Whoopie Goldberg was to old and Queen Latifa couldn't pull off an English accent." And Michelle Obama is a dude!

Anonymous said...

If they want a female James Bond, why don't they create another fictional character that doesn't steal from the long string of Bond movies made by the previous actors. Though I do have to wonder - will Q supply the new bond with an explosive Maxi-Pad in the lab (Don't pull that string unless you REALLY need it !!) :^)

ApoloDoc said...

I hope you realize that CRAIG is STILL BOND for #25! Please don't react to the FOOLISH ads that are just set-up to stir controversy and interest.

As a kid I grew up with Sean Connery at the drive in (thanks, Dad!) and have suffered through some of the Bonds. Craig does a great job, they AREN'T changing him!

Arthur Sido said...

"...Lashana Lynch, pictured center, above"

I am pretty sure that Lynch is actually the even homelier short haired woman on the right in the picture (see: )and the one in the middle is Naomie Harris who plays Ms. Moneypenny (because why not appropriate every single character). The idea that Bond is attracted to her at all and that she rejects him is laughable but apparently part of the story.

Aesop said...


You are correct. She was misidentified in one of the pics I sourced.
Nice to know they picked the homely, mannish looking one of the pair, and have decided to go all Affirmative Action for Moneypenny too. This will be great news in the LGBTA2ZEIEIO community.

Maybe they can get Idris Elba, or Samuel Jackson (with or without eyepatch) to be M, for the hat trick.

Aesop said...


Apparently you missed the horrible Bond #24, featuring Craig, as he consciously destroyed the entire Bond character, reducing it to a caricature.
He hasn't been really good in the role since Casino Royale.

At this point, casting Pumbaa from Lion King (and I mean the actual warthog, not the person voicing the character), including flatulence, would be an improvement over foppish Craig, or the amazonian Lynch.

But that wouldn't kill the franchise fast enough, so they had to call in specialists.

Cederq said...

Ian Fleming is spinning baby...

sykes.1 said...


My thought exactly

Anonymous said...

Depressing. Time for a revolution.

Badger said...

There is only one screen Bond worthy of the name. That is all one needs to know.
(They didn't get as many of the original books out of him as we might've liked, but it was enough.)

Eskyman said...

For my money, Connery was James Bond. The James Bond.

When I was 16 or so my Dad somehow scored tickets to a private showing of Dr. No in Hollywood, before the film was released, sometime in 1962. The theater was nothing on the outside, just a doorway; but inside it was grandeur! I've never since sat on theater chairs so comfortable, they were like La-Z-Boys with extendable footrests & adjustable headrests. Lots of gold & velvet everywhere. Everyone was dressed to the hilt, and I was wearing a suit, not by my choice but I'm glad my Dad knew better.

The movie blew me away, and set Sean Connery as Bond forevermore in my mind. Craig's depiction was far too cold & humorless for me, his movies didn't seem like James Bond but more like a Russian action film; plenty of action, but no emotion. "Shaken, not stirred," or I'll kill you without blinking, and without any trace of a smile!

When I finally saw Marvel's Captain Flatbottom, I was amazed to find it boring. There was no drama, no buildup, no overcoming obstacles, just wham-bam-thankyou-mam. Hard to believe they could make a comic book movie dull, but they managed! I don't expect to see this new Bond at all, but I'll wait until some reviews.

Mike_C said...

What's the matter with you racists getting all upset about a negro 007?
Don't you know that the original Britons were black? The Guardian says so!

Further, blacks have played integral roles throughout English history, as nobles and knights, that is. I have proof. Look at this clip from Tom Hiddleston's Henry V. Proof, I say!

Mike_C said...

"All that leaves is for Hollyweird to have Grindelwald kill Dumbledore in the next Harry Potter-world flick, and reboot the whole series starring some gay pedophile as the headmaster at Hogwarts"

Um, Aesop, you *do* know that Dumbledore is canonically (or rather "retcon-ically") homosexual, right? (Probably not a pedophile, but definitely homosexual.)

"If they want a female James Bond, why don't they create another fictional character that doesn't steal from the long string of Bond movies made by the previous actors."

That's the entire POINT! It's not enough to create another double-aught British secret service character who happens to be a black woman, the calculated and deliberate intention is to rub it in and destroy the iconic Bond character.

Look at what they did to the Luke Skywalker character in the recent StarWars "The Last Jedi" disaster. It wasn't by accident or incompetence. (This pisses me off, and I don't even *like* SW.) The agenda is to make white males (excepting those of specific self-proclaimed victim groups, and boy does Hollywood know about professional victim groups) look like feckless incompetents if not outright evil villains. Here's one Scottish sot's take on it:

T-Rav said...

I think Craig was really good in Casino Royale and Skyfall (though the latter doesn't make a lot of sense overall when you pick at it). Never saw Spectre, and didn't like what I saw of the other one.

As far as where he fits into the Bond universe, I think of Craig as a post-9/11 Bond. The world he's in seems more realistic and gritty, and that's probably a part of why those who first got to know the Connery version don't like him.

Anonymous said...

England is no longer a 'white' country. Go to London. See it for yourself.

Aesop said...

@Anonymous 8:45P
Your first mistake was thinking London was England, anymore than D.C. or NYFC is America.
Head out to the countryside in either case, and get back to us.

@Mike C.
Yes. I'm well aware of no-longer-homeless JKR retro-actively making Dumbledore gay, in her own head, to virtue-signal after it wouldn't cost her any royalties.
As Doyle Lonigan said famously: She's "not only a cheat, but a gutless cheat as well."

The best I could wish her would be to be locked into a room with 500 of the mothers that bought those books for their children, from before her virtue-signaling bullshit.

No security, cage match, 500 chairs, and one table, and see who walks out standing up afterwards.

If she'd wanted to make Dumbledore a flamer, she could have done that up front, and would have deserved all the shit sandwiches she'd still be eating while living in her old Cortina with her unsold manuscript.

What a gutless p.o.s. move.
That's why I suggested what I did.
Hollywood will latch onto that tripe with both paws and their fangs, and happily reshoot a new series at Fagwarts and Fabulous Alley.
The Dursleys, of course, would become intolerable evangelical Christian straights, of course.
I'm thinking Nathan Lane as Dumbledore. Ellen DeGeneres would make a perfect potions teacher. Kevin Spacey as Snape (type-casting, sure, but why not go with the slam-dunk?). And move the castle right next to Rotherham, FTW.
Change all the house colors to pastels, and have the wizards hide amongst the muggles in plain sight, in the annual Pride parades.
That abused little transvestite lad in the news lately would have to get his Fagwarts letter.

This sh*t writes itself.

It'd be like leaving the rights from Star Trek to George Takei.

Because you can't have a franchise, even one for kids, without gaying it up good and loud. How woke.

Anonymous said...

OT, apologies, would e-mail you if I could.

Are we off to the races?

Anonymous said...

Thanks to the number of Bond movies that Craig has played in, he's got fuck you money and with the last two debacles as examples couldn't care less what his Bond legacy is.

As to a woman playing Bond, all I've got to say is WTF. Fleming must be rolling in his grave.


Aesop said...


This is just SS,DD.
The fact that WHO has elected to do a Headless Chicken Dance does not, therefore, mean things have changed.

It may indicate they've finally pulled their heads out of their asses, but with the UN, they have no coercive power, just a bully pulpit and dubious moral high ground, so like with soap and authority, the more they use, the less they have next time.

We're off to the races when cases start showing up some place like Kinshasa, or Nairobi, or worse, on other continents, or when the numbers in DRC and contiguous countries start posting mid-hundreds to thousands of new cases per week.

Right now it's bad.
It's not yet the debacle that West Africa 2014 (and seven other countries)was. YET.
But it's looking good for getting there, eventually, albeit slowly.

Jim Scrummy said...

Craig had two good movies, Royale and Skyfall. Spectre script sucked. Same with the other Craig Bond movie, the script sucked (can't remember the name, so it sucked). Connery's last two official Bond movies weren't that good as the previous 3-4. For Your Eyes Only was the only good Moore Bond movie. Moore stayed to long in the role. Dalton's, meh. Brosnan, close, but no cigar... could've been a contender.

Going forward? Not sure if I will be giving any more money for this franchise's future movies. Remember SJWs ruin everything. Everything.

I do like little Tommie Cruise Mapother's(IV) last 3 MI movies. They were just good action movies, nothing more than entertainment. I do like the fact that the MI movies do actual stunts, and limit the blue screen crap as much as possible. Cruise does a lot of his own stunts, so, give him credit for that part of his acting.

Anonymous said...

"Agent Oh-Double-D's reporting, Sir!"

June J said...

Just saw that Hollyweird is once again failing in original ideas and remaking Top Gun.

Aesop said...

Ideally, with the same cast.
Kilmer (Iceman) is too fat to fit in a cockpit, Edwards (Goose) is bald, and after three marriages, twice to men and the last to her lesbian partner, Kelly McGillis (Charlie) looks like a porkier version of Tyne Daly. Actually, she looks like she ate Tyne Daly with some fava beans and a nice barrel of chianti, and gave the leftovers to her 27 cats.

Tom Cruise, meanwhile, apparently has a portrait of himself in his attic that looks exactly like a 57-year-old man.

Besides, if they update it, they'd have to feature the F-35 Thunderjug, and who wants to watch 2 hours of our guys pushing buttons while nothing works, running out of fuel, and getting shot down by frisky Norks in vintage Mig-21s?

Jim Scrummy said...

Just saw the trailer for Top Gun Maverick. Not bad. Tommie Mapother looks about 10 years younger than 57. Yeah, I know makeup, but he's kept himself in great physical shape. PT is the fountain of youth. I take pride in the fact that my kids say to me I don't look like the other dad's of their friends, which is fat.

Goose is dead. Goose's "son" is in the movie. Kelly McGillis plays for the other team now, hence Jennifer Connelly may be the love interest of sorts. Kilmer has been fighting throat cancer, plus he's 60. So, I cut him some slack. Jon Hamm is in the movie, which is ok, even if he is a lefty. John Glenn errr Ed Harris is also in the movie. Which is a plus, of sorts. So, hopefully, the cast and the script work? Another plus, Cruise is a jet (and helo) rated pilot. Not that he's qualified for an FA-18E, but, he knows pilot stuff, because he is one.

The Gray Man said...

I think you’re missing the point. This isn’t some innocent creative twist.

Unknown said...

Bambi, the black chick who played in Diamonds Are Forever just came out
and bashed this abomination stating the 007 is a role for a man.

I have it all from the original Bond (an American) to Connery, Moore,
Dalton, and Craig. The one Bond absent from my DVD collection is
Pierce Brosnan. Sorry, too cartoonish!

If this PC turd ever hits the theaters, The James Bond franchise is
dead to me, and it will be a box office bomb of astronomical proportions!

Aesop said...


Ah, but do you have the David Niven Bond...?

Unknown said...

No Aesop, because that was not an officially sanctioned Ian Flemming
production. The first James Bond was an American agent working for
British Secret Service. He was played by Barry Nelson in the original
Casino Royalle. It was not a movie, but one of those live American
playhouse productions from the 50s. This is sure bar bet winner if you
say the first James Bond was an America. Just do not use the word
movie. Felix Lighter was his British handler. The David Niven movie
was a spoof, so I do not have it in my collection.

As for the post-Flemming Bonds, some were good and some were bad. What
are the odds that this abomination will also add lesbian to make this
a perfect PC Trifecta?