Saturday, February 17, 2018

OMG! I Can't Even...

h/t Moonbattery

(FUCKTARDIA) A law goes into effect March 1 that bans the common cooking method of tossing a live lobster into a big pot of boiling water, quickly killing the tasty crustacean. That practice is being outlawed because the Swiss say it's cruel and lobsters can sense pain.
The same law also gives domestic pets further protections, such as dogs can no longer be punished for barking. 
...cats must have a daily visual contact with other felines, and hamsters or guinea pigs must be kept in pairs.  
And anyone who flushes a pet goldfish down the toilet is breaking the law.
The law also stipulates that lobsters must be transported to their final Swiss destination in their natural environment — seawater — rather than on ice. 
The government vows that offenders will not slip through the net. State officials will be responsible for enforcement, and Kunfermann said offenders could land in a lot of hot water, with sentences of up to three years in prison.
No, it's not The Onion. Those silly jackasses are serious about this bullshit.

New Blog Rule: "Swiss" and "fucktard" are henceforth interchangeable terms.
E.g.: "Hey, that's a nice Fucktard Army knife!"
I can but marvel that they can manage to draw breath without assistance.
They have clearly lost all contact with the sentient and rational universe.

"Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad..."

Personally, I'm going to the firing range.

When I'm out of ammo, (but doubtless, long before my blood pressure settles back to the stratosphere) I'm going to Lobsterfest at Red Lobster.

I will there specify that all the lobsters I consume must be thrust into the boiling pot, alive, screaming audibly, writhing, flailing, and in full agonizing extremis, until they are torn asunder, disemboweled, and their plump muscled tails are deposited next to a suitably large container of melted butter. I also want a seat near the tank so all the other lobsters can watch in shocked horror as I consume their fellows.

And I'm taking the empty shells home, to mail to the Swiss Embassy, and I intend to dare them to prosecute me at the Hague for crimes against lobsteranity.
Come and get me, you silly fucktards Swiss pigdogs! I fart in your general direction.

Just a hunch, but proximity to France and Germany clearly rots the brain, the miasma from Italy can't be helping, and this is very likely the same sort of self-apparent theory as the one that posits that cancer is hereditary in white laboratory mice.

It would definitely explain the nonsense out of Eurostan the last 500 years and more.

No prisoners.


Anonymous said...

And I thought they were doing well after banning that vegan. So much for the only euro state I could stand

Reg T said...

You could also tape record the high-pitched screams to play back later, even set them to music.

I've read that slowing down the recording makes the lobsters' screams audible as speech: their voices say that Jim Morrison is still alive, on the "other side".

billrla said...

According to a crustacean attorney I know who has a very successful lobster injury practice, without an enforceable clawback provision, this new Swiss law has no teeth.

james wilson said...

Wrong, wrong, wrong! Old reliable Switzerland did not suffer female suffrage in federal elections until 1971, local elections by 1991. Forty years from life to death.

Aesop said...

Which has Jack and Squat to do with anything anyone wrote.
The Swiss are clearly all women now, and how ever old they are, they are anything but reliable.

Fayette County, Texas said...

Imagine the screams from a couple of sacks of crawfish getting dumped into the seasoned boiling pot.

Anonymous said...

When Switzerland is overrun with hamsters that start to eat their crops, they'll rethink a lot of this stupidity. People are going to pair their hamsters in interesting configurations that are going to lead to a hell of a LOT of hamsters. Since Switzerland relies a lot on its OWN agriculture and the farming lobby is so powerful, this will be rescinded in about 10 years, but not until after the stupidity has run amok. Who knew such a pragmatic people could get so stupid so quickly? Unfortunate.

w walker said...

Recall my GF splurging on lobsters for us one wknd, now he was a "creative" SOB - as he put them on the pan & slid them into the oven and said.."look at them dance"
Now there's a "cruel" moment..but shit, 50 yrs later i can still hear him laughing, still working on that impression he made on me..
it help keep my sense of humor in some darker times.