California isn't on fire. (You unhappy bastards in the other 49, put away your marshmallows, untuck your sad little chins, and uncurl your pouty little mouths.)
There are a few fires, exactly like what's happened here every year since the local Indians told the history orally, some hundreds of years in the murky past before Sir Francis Drake cruised offshore in the 1500s.
That's what happens when Santa Ana winds of 80MPH in the canyons whip through, and some assholes don't have spark arrestors on their decorative chimneys, and homeless meth-heads' cooking fires blow over while they're stoned out and tweaking in the canyon camps they inhabit.
Mostly, this is lesson #353 in Why "Homeless" People Are A Blight On Humanity, and lesson #32,000,684 on Why Homes In California Hills Should Be Mandatorily Made Of Concrete, With Firefighting Water Monitors Required On The Rooftops Plumbed To The Swimming Pools.
Both of which fall under the heading of life selecting this year's Darwin Awards nominees.
Build a million-dollar mansion in the hills with a wood shake roof, and the insurance check you get should be a bill from the fire service, and a note from your insurance company telling you to attempt self-fornication. Zero fucks will be given.
Only inebriated bottle-blonde nitwits suffering the dementia of late-stage syphilis start whining instead about the apocalypse. (Chelsea Whorehouse, call your pimp's office...)
But, with little else to talk about because Al Frankenstein hasn't decided to fall on the molester grenade quite yet, and encouraged by the long-standing policy of KABC-TV in Los Angeles to bump everything including the moon landing if there's a news copter over a local fire, the media-tards are swarming over this minor nothingburger like it was about to consume millions of people, all trapped in the concrete Coliseum, which would require USC to be playing UCLA for a spot in a bowl game just to happen.
And, being concrete as well, and 40 miles from flammable countryside, still be no threat of anything whatsoever.
Nearest fire to where I'm sitting, beyond the Orange Curtain from L.A. County: 40 miles.
Percentage of the 10-20 million folks in the L.A. Basin and surrounding suburban valleys affected by the fires: less than 5%, max.
The bigger issue is that several of the fires currently or recently straddled the I-5, S-14, and I-215 routes from L.A. to Las Vegas, and Central California. Which means it hurts Vegas slightly (the airports are wide open), and truckers going from San Diego to Seattle, who were briefly annoyed when the I-5 was actually shut down. For a few hours.
Folks ignorant of reality have carped about Gov. Moonbeam "finally" authorizing water bombers. Except that was because with 80 MPH winds, their use was problematic, and the fires weren't that much except to a few unfortunates in Charcoal Central. When a brushfire happens with outside winds gusting to hurricane force, there's no fire agency gonna do anything but stand back and watch.The fires simply aren't that big, or that big a deal. But this is only half a century of local experience with them talking. You can always believe the breathless brainless yapping gits at ABCNNBCBS.
Traffic in PhotoshopLand.
Someone else has had a photo fake of a 19-22-lane L.A. freeway at a standstill related to a 200K person evacuation order over these fires. As if.
(That many lanes should have been the first tip off that photo was not taken in SoCal, but rather in Photoshop.) If we had 19-lane freeways anywhere hereabouts, the average rush hour speed would be 75MPH, 24/7/365. And that'd be the on-ramps and truck lane. The I-5, the central freeway transit artery from Irvine to Oregon and points north has been exactly 3-lanes wide from OC to downtown L.A. since it was built in 1954, and only now is part of it being widened in that stretch. Most of it will still be 3 lanes wide forever, because unlike his daddy when he was governor, Moonbeam doesn't believe passenger cars and cargo trucks (nor dams, aqueducts, power plants, houses, people, jobs, and a functional state economy dependent on the preceding) are a good idea. So he and the criminal legislature still collect the highest gasoline taxes in the nation, required to go for road maintenance and construction, and use them for more welfare for illegals, and boondoggle low-speed rail projects to nowhere.
But a 200,000 person evacuation?
That's the daytime traffic on any stretch of freeway within 50 miles of L.A. per hour, from 5A-9P, since 1980.
When you get to 2,000,000 evacuees, give a holler.
So stop believing the nonsense, and kindly chill the f*ck out about a couple of relatively piddly-ass fires. They're a problem to those unfortunate enough to lose homes to them, but they're far from the statewide calamity the media would whip up. If I hadn't heard about them on the news, they wouldn't even be a thing around here. That's what living in a 100 mi. x 100 mi. megalopolis means. If they'd been in the Central state, instead of a short copter ride from L.A., no one would be covering them outside of Fresno and Bakersfield local news.
Cancel the CaliHater tailgate parties too, sil vous plait.
It's 72° F. here daytime, and at night, it drops almost to 50°. Three weeks from Christmas. The snow tires for my truck look like handi-wipes, and a bottle of ArmorAll.
Winter clothes here come from Coppertone, not Columbia.
I'm not without sympathy for the colder parts of the country this time of year. Why just last night, when I was scooping fresh ice cream to beat the afternoon heat coming in through the windows, my hand got cold, for almost 30 seconds, and I almost spilled ice cream on my shorts.
This fire season, in the wettest year in CA history after 6 years of the worst drought, isn't even worth mentioning, which is why I hadn't until people started losing their minds about it.
The only fires in this state worth talking about would be the capitol and governor's residence going up in flames, while occupied.
I live in hope.