|DAIQ: Deceased @$$hole In Question age 10|
Attention to orders:
Be it known herewith that we do award Elias Armstrong, aged 12 (forever!), with the FAFO Medal. Being deceased in his enterprise, and owing entirely to it, Subject-Named @$$hole also merits the attachment of the gold star device, denoting a posthumous ultimate award.
To wit, on February 5th, 2023:
To be blisteringly precise, when the vehicle's owner approached his stolen property, the vehicle's occupants, being the culpable thieves of such property, opened fire on him, which prompted him to return same with both elán and a smile, giving much better accuracy in return than he received initially.
The DAIQ was not found "suffering from a gunshot wound", so much as he was found to be expired from one. Huzzah! Suffering, at that point, was a metaphysical impossibility.
This being the textbook definition of Fucked Around, Found Out (with meritorious expiration in the process!), DAIQ more than qualifies as the latest recipient of the Trayvon Memorial Award, and automatic nomination to the Darwin Awards for further recognition, having thoughtfully and happily departed the gene pool without depositing within its confines any subsequent generation of even more wastes of skin and oxygen as himself and his ilk.
In recognition of which thoughtfulness, we offer a hearty
O frabjous day! Callou! Callay!
DAIQ's family members, having come to our attention for meritless, gratuitous, and prolonged BMWing (Bitching, Moaning, and Whining) over the loss of their littlest family fuck up, ought to be glad that the citizens of Denver do not issue Shoot On Sight warrants on the entire loud-mouthed clan of shitbags, with any such additional expungement of the gene pool thereabouts visited upon his relatives and their shyster mouthpieces being declared a public service deserving of further recognition and civic commendation, even if it erased their entire line(s) from further contributions to society.
We further commend the vehicle's owner, for both his civic contributions and marksmanship, and note that the mayor and police chief of Denver owe him a written commendation, and a token box of ammunition as recompense for the lifetime of criminal activity and legal gymnastic exhibitions from which he proactively spared both the citizens of Denver, and the courts and prison system of the state of Colorado.
One can but hope that the other participants are apprehended, as the death of their accomplice makes all of them eligible for capital murder charges in the entire incident. Notably, no one in the DAIQ's family appears to be forthcoming with the identities of those little bastards. Maybe they, too, will win their own FAFO Medals in their inevitable subsequent future exploits.
Dulce et decorum est.
Everyone loves a happy ending.