Saturday, May 20, 2023

Strike Up The Band

h/t DiveMedic

DAIQ: Deceased @$$hole In Question age 10


Attention to orders:

Be it known herewith that we do award Elias Armstrong, aged 12 (forever!), with the FAFO Medal. Being deceased in his enterprise, and owing entirely to it, Subject-Named @$$hole also merits the attachment of the gold star device, denoting a posthumous ultimate award. 

To wit, on February 5th, 2023:

[Denver] Police received a report of an auto theft in the 8300 block of East Northfield Boulevard, according to police. 

The car's owner tracked the vehicle using an app and found it stopped in the area of West 12th Avenue and North Decatur Street.

"When the vehicle’s owner approached the car, he was involved in an exchange of gunfire with occupant(s) in the stolen vehicle," according to investigators. "A juvenile male then drove the stolen vehicle to the 2900 block of W. 10th Ave. where he was found by officers to be suffering from a gunshot wound."

To be blisteringly precise, when the vehicle's owner approached his stolen property, the vehicle's occupants, being the culpable thieves of such property, opened fire on him, which prompted him to return same with both elán and a smile, giving much better accuracy in return than he received initially.

The DAIQ was not found "suffering from a gunshot wound", so much as he was found to be expired from one. Huzzah! Suffering, at that point, was a metaphysical impossibility.

"Armstrong was taken to a local hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

It appears other occupants of the stolen vehicle "fled on foot from the 2900 block of W. 10th Ave. prior to officers’ arrival."

This being the textbook definition of Fucked Around, Found Out (with meritorious expiration in the process!), DAIQ more than qualifies as the latest recipient of the Trayvon Memorial Award, and automatic nomination to the Darwin Awards for further recognition, having thoughtfully and happily departed the gene pool without depositing within its confines any subsequent generation of even more wastes of skin and oxygen as himself and his ilk.

In recognition of which thoughtfulness, we offer a hearty 

O frabjous day! Callou! Callay!

DAIQ's family members, having come to our attention for meritless, gratuitous, and prolonged BMWing (Bitching, Moaning, and Whining) over the loss of their littlest family fuck up, ought to be glad that the citizens of Denver do not issue Shoot On Sight warrants on the entire loud-mouthed clan of shitbags, with any such additional expungement of the gene pool thereabouts visited upon his relatives and their shyster mouthpieces being declared a public service deserving of further recognition and civic commendation, even if it erased their entire line(s) from further contributions to society.

We further commend the vehicle's owner, for both his civic contributions and marksmanship, and note that the mayor and police chief of Denver owe him a written commendation, and a token box of ammunition as recompense for the lifetime of criminal activity and legal gymnastic exhibitions from which he proactively spared both the citizens of Denver, and the courts and prison system of the state of Colorado.

One can but hope that the other participants are apprehended, as the death of their accomplice makes all of them eligible for capital murder charges in the entire incident. Notably, no one in the DAIQ's family appears to be forthcoming with the identities of those little bastards. Maybe they, too, will win their own FAFO Medals in their inevitable subsequent future exploits.

Dulce et decorum est.

Everyone loves a happy ending.

Rex Kramer, Dangerseeker, offered his timeless comment.


T-Rav said...

Predictably, the family appears to be playing the "he wuz goin' to college!!!" card.

Landroll said...

Always like a story of social improvement on Sunday Morn. Internet can provide lots of info for those who have the time. The kid's older brother died a few months earlier driving a stolen car so maybe it is a 'thing' in his family. Family is apparently trying to get a law passed that it would be illegal to bust a cap on a minor busting caps on you. Makes sense to a dindo.

elysianfield said...

This is a real human tragedy. The young man might have gone on to college, become a physicist or perhaps biologist, and cured cancer. He might have brought peace to the Middle East.

It is a bit of a stretch, but the young man might, at some point in his life, even paid taxes...

B.C. said...

The young future Rhodes scholars were gunned down on their way to sing gospel songs as they handed out food to homeless, orphaned, undocumented immigrants! Oh, the Huge Manatees!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! Right? Hahaahahahahahaaha

Anonymous said...

We just need to ve able to separate from this utterly failed race. Almost sixty years have passed since civil rights legislation, and lacks continously prove on a daily basis that they won't and can't try to function in western civilization.

Anonymous said...

On second thought...nope.

They could have pitched his almost worthless dead azz in a compost pile and "paid it forward" as the Social JustUs Warriors like to say.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck ever…FAFO…enjoy your take as always.

Anonymous said...

It is obviously impossible to Americanize Africans.

Anonymous said...

I heard these young students were desperate to get to the library to study for finals, and their CPA father was at work.


Anonymous said...

State College for sure…
Maybe even Federal College.

Ahhh but alas…
Some mistakes…ya dont get another chance.

Ask a pilots kin folk.

John Wilder said...

"Armstrong's brother, 16-year-old Torrence McCall, died in October in Westminster during a police pursuit. Though police have said he shot himself, Moore-Armstrong doubts that version of events."

It runs in the family. I'm surprised that the mother didn't say, "No mother should have to worry that her son will be shot when he's out stealing cars."

Anonymous said...

Well, the one family member said he was "only" joyriding so the guy who's car was stolen should not have tracked it down and confronted the people who stole it. Also that because the kid was only 12 he was no danger to the man who shot him and he should be charged with manslaughter. So that shows the state of mind of these people.
Truth is, young people have an elevated risk of dying while driving a vehicle and making stupid decisions all the time. Some try to race a train to the railroad crossing and don't beat the train, Some are in a car with their buddies who are shooting at someone who is shooting back.

Anonymous said...

Do we really need to use "[sarcasm] [/sarcasm]" tags when saying this kid was likely to have grown up to cure cancer, ended war and famine or be a future astronaut to go to Mars?

daniel_day said...

On the map, just north of W 12th Ave and east of Decatur St is a small institution with the forlorn name Hope In Our City.,+Denver,+CO+80204,+USA

Tucanae Services said...

Primal urges lead to this kind of sh#$. Momma should have kept her legs closed.

Mike Hendrix said...

"One can but hope that the other participants are apprehended"

Oh, they will be eventually--if not for this particular offense, then another from the continuously-lengthening list of crimes they'll be committing in the near future.

kemp said...

He was a good boy who turned his life rount.