Friday, June 2, 2017

F*@#!%& Cheap Bastards - A Modest Suggestion

I buy the random electronic device.
Actually, tons of them.
Laptops, two DSLR cameras, three or four handicams, a pocket camera, a few dozen flashlights, a couple of pocket recorders, one hi-def digital sound recorder, multiple monitors, DVD/BD players, a game console, and all with any number of remote controls for same. And then the night vision goggles, laser range finders, red dot scopes, handheld GPSs, and GMRS/HT/SW/Ham radios in small armies.

And almost without exception, every single one of these marvels of 21st century technology comes equipped from the manufacturer, by malign fucktarderry, with the cheapest, shoddiest, shittiest, most-likely-to-explode-and-go-tits-up-at-a-critical-moment piece of Chinese SHIT batteries, pounded together in a yurt by Mongolian yak farmers from old wheel weights, saltpeter, and yak shit in the Chinese #37 A-1 Battery Company, Ltd.

WTBlisteringF, corporate cheapskate @$$holes?!?

It's like buying a Ferrari, and finding out they put the crappiest brand of tires from Madagascar onto $800K of sports car. Only stupider.

I've probably filled a notable portion of the local landfill with those shit-tastic pieces of Chinese Fail Fuckerry, mainly because of long experience with chipping exploded melted battery pus out of delicate and expensive devices every single time in the past beyond misty memory if I don't hurl the goddamned things as far from here as possible immediately after opening the original packaging.

JFC, you cheap bean-counting shitstains on a good company, try shipping Duracell, Energizer, or even Panasonic or Maxell/Hitachi name-brand batteries (perhaps you fuckwits have heard of them?), and tell the Who Flung Poo Asstastic Battery Company to pound their cheap worthless trash right back up the ass of the yak that shat it out before you bought them by the metric fuckton, and shipped them out in your products.

I mean, holy shit, it might add 79 cents to the cost of your $800 piece of electronic wonder, or cost you as much from the bottom line, while not making your customers want to force feed your CEO and board of directors consumer batteries using a 4-lb sledgehammer, up the tailpipe, until they come out your noses.

Just saying.

When the day comes I have terminal cancer, I'm taking a wrist rocket and a few buckets of the damned things to the local US HQs buildings of a number of, primarily Asian, electronics companies hereabouts (all well within a tank of gas) on a Sunday, and I swear to Buddha I'll be returning your batteries through all your corporate plate glass windows at about 200 FPS. Call it my version of free shipping.

I highly urge anyone in the SoCal area, even for a visit, to do the same, every time you visit.
Start a trend, maybe.

Perhaps when the cheap jackholes get the bill for American plate glass replacement, they can suddenly see their way clear through the yawning openings in their former glass palaces to buying actual functional consumer batteries for their consumer electronics.

It's certainly worth trying.

And yes, I feel better now.


LFMayor said...

I hear you sir. Those nasty HoChiMihn brands get pulled and given to the kids for use in the Wii and Xbox remotes, they don't last long there and then go to the trash.

loren said...

My beef is with things like car and tool battery chargers and power cords. The wire they use turns to dust in a year or two. Just how much could it cost to put in real copper?
Then there's my Rigid rechargeable drill. Paid extra for the tool and it's lifetime warranty. Used the hell out of it for years and it refuses to break. Can't win. sarc/

0007 said...

The problem/reality you/we are dealing with here is that about 90% of ALL batteries are made in China(thanks, epa/.gov)most of the others come out of Mexico. Just check the back of the package if you don't believe me.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I've been noticing this battery melt down thing increasing even with the "good" brands. Haven't lost anything significant to-date but I'm just waiting to lose an Aimpoint. Also - crap "watch" batteries. Finding a name brand, well within shelf life 2032 that is dead right out of the package is disturbing.

Anonymous said...

I've gotten to the point where I just toss the crap batteries and install Duracells (bought in big blister packs from Costco) in anything I buy, rather than risk damage to my devices. I've had Duracells leak, but far less often than the junk batteries. I think I can count the number of leaking Duracells I've encountered in the last 20+ years on the fingers of one hand.

One of my favorites though, is when the local big-box hardware stores have trays of 3-AAA flashlights for cheap (like $1 a pop, regularly about five times that) because the batteries are dead. I'll grab a dozen after making sure the batteries are merely dead and not leaked. My wife used to laugh at the number of little flashlights all over the house, until she was in the basement when the power failed.

Mark D

Mike_C said...

Wait! Some of you guys actually use the included batteries? That, as a friend (hey, NJ) would say, is like ordering, and eating, actual cooked food at a low-end strip club. Some things are made available purely pro forma and not to be trusted. 'Round these parts the jacketed yak-turd specials are left in the nasty shrink wrap and subsequently dumped in the "electronic recycle bin" at the local camera shoppe (from which they probably go into the general trash stream, but I can feel as if I've been good).

I've been using disposable Ikea batteries (10 AA for $USD1.99 and 10 AAA for $2.99, go figure) with pretty good luck (by which I mean no leaks). Had a string of nasty leaks from Duracell AAs about 10y ago, dunno if that was a temporary issue, but haven't gone back. I think Ikea also sells 2032 lithium buttons at eight for two bucks.

Anyone been running the AA-format lithium batteries? Bought a few 8-packs on closeout (they switched to new packaging, so these got remaindered for store display-cosmetic reasons, still have years of shelf life, supposedly) but haven't used them yet. Supposedly 3000mAH, and they sure are light.

As to AAs and DSLRs, what antediluvean camera are you using? Don't they all run off of Li-ion packs these days? (Asks the guy who just bought a circa-2004 Olympus C8080 digicam.)

@Mark D: Good to meet a fellow cheap-flashlight aficiando. There's at least 5-gallon bucket's worth of various cheapish flashlights here. They get remaindered (at 50-75% off) at Meijers (a chain of grocery/household/everything stores) near my dad's house whenever the packaging changes. Nothing fancy, Coast, Everready, stuff like that. But it's pretty amazing to get an aluminum-bodied, 6-AAA, 900 lumen (supposedly) flashlight (plus IPX4) for under 15 bucks.