(MORDOR ON THE POTOMAC - Aesociated Press) In a landmark decision, the Senate today voted 94-0 (with 6 voting "present") that the laws of gravity and physics no longer apply to the Congress, and suspended gravity indefinitely. Explaining that "laws we don't agree with no longer apply to us", Sen. ChuckU Schumer explained to adoring mobs of sycophantic presstards giving him the obligatory daily tonguebath that henceforth "only what we say is real, is real".
He further promised in future weeks that the Senate will soon overrule time, space, tidal activity, and anything else his featherheaded colleagues find inconvenient to their grand schemes of re-inventing America as the communist paradise that Lenin had in mind when he founded the U.S.S.A. on May Day 1917. "It's a natural evolution of our actual authority", he explained expansively. "We've ignored both the previous foolish Constitutional limitations on our power written by our fatally flawed slave-owning misogynist oppressors, and the fiscal realities laid down by captalist pig opportunists for so long, this new policy was not only bound to happen eventually, it's also the right thing for us to do. So we did it. 2+2= Whateverthehell we say it is, and don't you peons forget it! Hail Satan!"
From somewhere deep up Sen. Schumer's asscheeks, Senate Minority leader Bitch McConjob was heard to mutter, "The Senate GOPe Republicans concur completely. Thhhhhhhhppppppt! Am I doing this okay, Chuckie? Truck Fump! Hail Satan!"
In unrelated news, DHS jackbooted thugs pounced on some racist white supremacist 8-year-old cisgendered domestic terrorist bastard, as he shouted "How come they're all naked?" from the bottom of the Capitol steps. Sources report that after a good old-fashioned ass-whipping, and their trademark boots stamping on his face, forever, plus another 10-20 years of re-education in the mandatory public gulags, following sentencing his former parents to lifelong prison terms filling in the trench planned for the Keystone pipeline, they hope the misguided little monster will be allowed to rejoin society, once he is properly re-educated, after state-mandated gender-reassignment surgery, lobotomy, and chemical castration. Unnamed sources from within xer office reported that Congressweasel Evita Chavez-Castro muttered "The little sh*t had it coming. Hail Satan!", but we were unable to confirm this before press time.
As rampaging mobs continued their fifth straight night of flame-lit redistribution of the income of oppressive kulaks wrongfully extorted from the working class in the nation's capitol, under the supervision of the Notional Guardsmen deployed there for the past six months, a spokeshole for the Senate leadership promised "What To Wear" wardrobe guidelines will soon be forthcoming for those Americans selected for glorious all-expense paid trips to the re-education gulags, with the first trains departing no later than a week from Wednesday.
Flags will remain at half-staff through Friday to honor the regrettable but untimely death by pillow suffocation of former President Biden, President Kneepads' office confirmed today. A spokeshole from the newly redecorated Red House said that "The FBI has pinned the crime on culprit Mike Lindell, and following the seizure of all his My Pillow assets under the RICO laws, his show trial will conclude in about fifteen more minutes, followed by a fine public hanging in Lafayette Park tomorrow. Bring the kids! Hail Satan!"