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| "ZOMG! Water is falling from the skies! Gather cords of gopher wood planks, barrels of pitch, and two - male and female - of every beast that walks or crawls upon the earth!" - every media outlet west of the Sierra Nevada range, presently |
To listen to the idiot retards of the media (but I repeat myself), you'd think everyone living in Califrutopia should be building an ark or something.
Fortunately, unlike most of the failed stand-up comics and braindead spokesbimbos who become weatherguessers and newsreaders, some of us have lived here more than a year or two, and we know that California has wet years, and dry years, which alternate at whim. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Cleverly, there has long been a name for what's going on now, and it's not the "Pineapple Express", the "Fruit Cocktail Zephyr", or any other such dipshitical dopey name they focus-grouped into being to try and sell more commercials in between bouts of weather doomporn.
The actual name for what's happening now goes by a rather more accurate name.
We call it "rain".
It ain't caused by globull warmism, or climate change, nor any other such ginned up silliness so stupid, you need horsefaced fetal alcohol midwit dropouts from Sweden to shill for it.
In fact, there's another clever name for what's happening at the moment, and why.
It's called "winter".
And - shocker of shockers - in February!!! Who'd have foreseen that?!? Which, between weeks of 100° days here, is the closest thing to what passes for a cold season hereabouts. The locals can generally tell this without any apocalyptic crapola from the TV or radio, because the local mountains above 5000' will be sporting a picture postcard mantle of snow (far from the flatlands, and up by the ski resorts, where such frigid precipitation belongs) the minute the clouds clear away, and mainly signifies to the city folks and flatlanders that skiing and snowboarding will be happening henceforth.
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| UPDATE: This was the view locally after several rainy days. Exactly like we told you was all that would happen. Geez, almost like we've lived here for half a century or something. |
Resort owners generally consider this a good thing. The rest of us simply enjoy the fact that everything down here is clean, including the air, and that all of our cars have been washed for free, one of the few things locally that's beyond even the government's power to tax.
It also fills the reservoirs, to feed the toilets and lawn sprinklers of all your idiot toothless banjo--playing kinfolk libtards you palmed off on the Golden State, who have so sorely abused it and rogered and befouled a formerly wonderful place to live. You can have them all back any time, and we'll keep the rain, thanks very much. The wetness is simply the price we pay to have grass and trees in a land otherwise horribly cursed with 300 magnificently perfect sunny days a year, to the point that thousands of idiots from points east annually pack up the car and move here the minute the Tournament of Roses parades ends every January 1st.
Trying to pimp the current wetness into Stormageddon, or any other such jackassical events, just tells everyone who's lived here more than five minutes that you're a yokel who just got off the bus, and only came to the Hollywood radio/TV market because your scholarship to beautician school fell through, and/or you couldn't pass the IQ test to get into Clown College.
Which leaves only acting or news reading jobs open to those too pretty to mop floors, and too lazy to flip burgers.
If only you'd taken a chance on sticking around school through the 1st grade, you'd have learned the timeless wisdom of the parable entitled "Chicken Little", and realize how stupid you sound. Instead, watching or listening to the news is like a daily dose of the Pageant Of the Masters, wherein you mediots play the part of Chicken Little every night for the entertainment of people brighter than you and your ilk, and too bored to flip the tube off and go do something productive and useful with their time. Since it's probably too late in life for most media types to learn to read classic literature at the 1st grade level, we offer the following condensed version and Spoiler Alert.
TL;DR: Word to your mother: the sky is not falling.
Wear a coat, and carry an umbrella. You'll make it through just fine. No scuba tanks or swim fins required.
12 comments:
We have the same problem out here in the real world. Every time we get a bit of snow, those retards have now decided it's a Major Weather Event, probably related to Glowball Warmening, and therefor must be named. Snowpocalypse Shaneequa, or the like.
Weather forecasters, used car dealers, politicians, lawyers...fuck 'em all.
--Tennessee Budd
The one I always ponder is the stupid idiot weather monger clinging to a stop sign with one hand, microphone in the other hand in the middle of a hurricane.
1) Anyone with any common sense has long since left town knowing what a storm surge can do. The locals aren't watching they are holed up in a Holiday Inn Express 200mi away.
2) That the weather monger is flailing around in the 'wind' but the camera man and camera are rock solid. Such drama, ought to be on Broadway.
According to the river gauges, few of the outfalls are in flood stage; and even those in flood stage are only in the minor flood stage. Meanwhile, the weather babes are seeing if they can find a tighter dress, and wondering if their belly bulge will show.
Maybe they should start naming these winter storms. I think Godzilla, Brunhilda, and Quasimodo are a good start.
@Jess,
Thumbs up! Great idea.
Yup. In 1957, my folks bought a ranch in the heart of the Gold Rush country (Amador County) and moved there from Lafayette. I was four. I still remember seeing the bleached bones of a beaver in in bottom of the river bed on the property (South fork of the Conumnes River). About four years later, I remember winter rain where even the small creek was questionable to ford with our surplus jeep, let alone the river.
Spot on to all of the above, and of course your treatise on the subject of "rain"...in Winter.
As you say, we call it rain...but that doesn't have enough panache (or the other word they like: gravitas) for the demented among us - aka. The Paid Hyperventilator Actors - who are screaming "The sky is falling!", having defined this "event" as resulting from an "atmospheric river"...a name only a pale PhD with too many degrees could conjure up. (Cue the Noory followers who say this is caused by cloud-seeding via contrails by The Gubmint.)
I did see a shot of a Cali Moron sitting on top of his little SUV in the middle of a massive flooded intersection, appears he drove into it believing he purchased a submarine. Some people have less sense than a goldfish, many are close to an episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive".
For parts of SoCal this is heavy duty damaging weather.
Climate is Climate.
Storms happen.
Gotta sell the newscasts with fear.
I recall remarking to my now ex-wife when we PCS'd to CA; "it'll be nice and green come winter" to a look of disbelief. I got the last good years out of that place long before I enlisted and was ordered back.
Thanks for hanging tough out there, Brother
Boat Guy
Happened to catch some commentary on overnight radio a couple of days ago talking about the same sequence of 'heavy' rain every day or two and what was happening around the valleys
It was Coast to Coast AM - Art Bell replay
From 1998
The climate - it changes - and cycles...
"...one of the few things locally that's beyond even the government's power to tax."
You've done it now...
Barry
I imagine all of those stinky streets, alleys and, parks where the homeless congregate, finally got the washing down they so badly needed. God provides.
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