Saturday, April 1, 2023

Putin Conquers Ukraine; Russian Army Welcomed In Kiev By Cheering Ukrainian Throngs


In a triumphal procession led by the last three running T-34s in the Russian Army, with a line of FSB security police in armored trucks helpfully goading them along, the Russian Army took full control of Kiev today, to cheering thousands in the capitol of the former Ukraine, and warming the hearts of dozens of people worldwide giving Putin a daily tongue bath for over a year.

Despite no visible evidence of any Russian winter offensive at any point in the last six months, and with Russia still unable to fully control the long-disputed city of Bakhmut, the entire Ukrainian Army - both of them - went home, after halting the advance of the entire Russian Army with just slingshots, water balloons, pointed sticks, and occasionally jumping up out of hiding and yelling "Ooga Booga!" for most of that time, according to some of the internet's foremost military experts.

No explanation was forthcoming from Moscow as to how their advance was restrained for so long, what with all the other four Ukrainian soldiers being dead twice over for months now, but authorities from Marshall Shoigu's office expressed frank astonishment that they had finally managed to get their tanks to go in a gear besides reverse, and even more so that they had managed the entire trip from the border to Kiev, almost an unbelievable 170 miles - shorter than the distance from Disney World to Miami, and almost as far as two day's ride in the Tour De France - without breaking down or running out of gas.

"Sometimes," said a senior aide, "you just don't look a gift horse like that in the mouth."

In a clear demonstration of Russia's goodwill and friendship with Ukraine, and following their centuries' long tradition, the entire former government of Ukraine down to mayors and dog catchers were rounded up and shot, including their spouses, children, and anyone who looked vaguely related.

"Good enough for the Czar, good enough for these local apparatchiks" said one local military commander.

In paroxysms of glee and ecstasy, five more Russian generals committed suicide, three by shooting themselves in the back of the head 5-8 times apiece with their hands tied, and two more by throwing themselves through closed windows 10 stories up in their apartments.


Michael said...

Que up Sgt Shultz (maybe Col Klink)

"Very Interesting, But Stupid".

Glen Filthie said...

With talent like that you could literally win a Pulitzer Prize and write for the NYT, nurse! 😂👍

Capt. Bobvious said...

Talent hell, Filthie, I been reading the same post at your place twice a week for a year, but you think it's TRUE! LOL

Aesop said...

1) It's "Cue".
2) That was neither of your nominees, it was Arte Johnson on Laugh In.
3) Klink and Schulz would appear to be advising the Russian commanders in Ukraine for some time now.

CB seems better informed about your blog than you are yourself. I'll have to take his assessment on faith, but it sounds spot-on.
But don't sulk; accept your consolation Spewlitzer Prize, and go back to blogging to the short bus. Somebody's got to be Biff Tannen-style comedy relief, so it might as well be you.

Anonymous said...

"With talent like that you could literally win a Pulitzer Prize and write for the NYT, nurse! 😂👍"

Hey Glen, my memory is kind of getting hazy, so could you remind me exactly what the connection between made up news, the Pulitzer prize, the NYT, and the Ukraine is, again? IIRC, something or other happened there that was kind of relevant to the current conflict, something used to be referenced all the time when talking about commies and their big plans here in the West, but ever since Putin invaded the Ukraine everyone seems to have forgotten the specifics for some reason.

-Grey Fox

Plague Monk said...

Going through several of the Phewtin fanboy sites, I see quite a few of them are just as wrong today as they were years ago, albeit on different subjects.
I used to comment using my real name, until some of my engineering clients started getting cranky about my somewhat conservative views.
I'm proud to say that I was banned from about 25 sites during the early 2000s, when I was back in college. Of these, a good 15 of them are still wrong on politics, history, and other topics.
Too many of the good history sites are now defunct; there were several that, while liberal, were well done and allowed civil debate.
As to Glen, I enjoy his site, but I get tired of the personal attacks. I have acquaintances that are nurses and doctors; several of them think that being tech lead designer is challenging work. I tell these people that compared to what they go through on a daily basis makes my work look like childs' play.

Aesop said...

The few times I checked out his blog before he lost his mind, Glen occasionally stumbled over some worthwhile and interesting things, but he usually picked himself up and went right back to pure stupid. None of his comments here have shown any improvement. He's just a bitter little man trying to claw his way from the gutter to the undercarriage by flinging diaper spackle. When your only tool is a hammer...
His comments now go straight to spam, but I occasionally delve into the cesspit to rescue some here and there them just to illustrate how out of touch he is with reality. As other visitors there have obviously discovered. The time he assured me repeatedly and earnestly that the Moskva was happily steaming back to Sevastopol under its own power was comedy gold.
A guy who's willing to set himself on fire for his fifteen minutes of fame will always get it.

John Wilder said...

Hahahaha - if they had the T-34, they'd be using it.

Joe in PNG said...

Being a dupe for Soviet Agitprop was bad enough. Being a dupe for the same thing just because someone scribbled "Totally NOT Soviet Agitprop, we're serious!" over it is even worse.