Biden Smothered In Lincoln Bedroom With Scalia's Pillow

Secret Service spokesmen reported that Kamala Harris, clutching the pillow in question and caught in the act, was dragged from the room cackling maniacally, and is being held incommunicado at an undisclosed federal facility pending further investigation. Under the circumstances, former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy was sworn in as Acting President at his home. Minority Leader Pelosi was indisposed, but a truckload of box wine was seen being delivered to her residence in the District, and reporters outside swear they heard a woman's voice screaming hysterically "You stupid bitch! It was supposed to be before the midterms!!!" before D.C. police moved the security cordon back an additional 100 yards from her house.

Unnamed White House service personnel reported that Dr. Jill Biden was sedated, after it took seven Secret Service uniformed and plainclothes agents to pry her fingers off the Resolute desk in the Oval Office, as she cried "Mine! Mine! Mine! You can't take it away from me!" 

All financial trading on Wall Street will be suspended on Monday, though overseas markets unaffected by the U.S. freeze have soared to record highs, but Acting President McCarthy, flanked by Majority leader Bitch McConjob and several prominent GOPe senators, requests calm at this difficult time, pledging that "nothing in D.C. will change. It will be business as usual, for the foreseeable future."