Call the ASPCA.
Somewhere in Hollywood, there's a pooch who
should be submitting a rape kit, because it was well and truly screwed.
Sam
Mendes has done what even Roger Moore playing the part in his 60s couldn't
accomplish: he made 007 boring, and turned him into a blooming metrosexual in
the process. If it gets any worse in subsequent outings, Q will have to start
supplying 007 with tampons for his mangina.
It's many of the locales, some of
the toys, a few of the cars, and all the set pieces you'd expect. And all done
so predictably, so lackluster, so abjectly suspenseless, so just plain
yawnworthy, that at 148 minutes long, you wonder why they didn't just turn the
cameras on and leave everything in, because the outtakes would have been at
least as entertaining as the actual movie. Two villians got away lucky: one had
his eyes poked out, and another had them eaten by ravens. I would trade places
with either one if you told me I had to sit through this flick again.
An hour
in, I was wishing they'd go back and play some of the pre-movie trailers
again.
Two hours in, I was wondering what was playing on the Oxygen Channel.
And wishing I'd brought a sleep mask and a set of ear plugs to the movie.
The
only bright shining moment of the entire flick was after the interminable
credits, the promise in the final seconds that "JAMES BOND WILL
RETURN".
Which will be great compared to this time, just for the
change.
The sad part was noting that he made no noticeable appearance in this
film.
Stay home, wait for Netflix, or even wait for this to show up on
cable.
Which, if word of mouth has anything to do with things, should be the
day after Thanksgiving.
My rating: Jiggle the handle on this one, and
light a candle to St. Fartius, and hope neither the solid evidence nor the smell
from this flick lingers.
But somewhere, Michael Apted is happy: With the
release of SPECTRE, he no longer holds
the bottom rung of the Bond-verse with The
World Is Not Enough. But it was close. The last time I felt this bad
after seeing a movie I expected to like was after Star Trek: Nemesis.
Sam Mendes did that POS
Jarhead. Now he's plopped this pantload
out. If there's a fund to stop him from making any more movies, put me down for
a month's pay.
