Monday, April 1, 2013

Best Vehicles for SHTF

Car & Driver occasionally tries to chime in with their ideas. Which is usually proof they couldn’t find their asses with both hands, a map, and a rearview mirror.

A proper list will have a range of fuels, sizes, and capabilities. Mine certainly does all that.

Here’s the list. Stand back.

1. M1 Abrams MBT
You can park it anywhere. You can drive it anywhere. Sure, diesel may be problematic. But any tank which makes Guderian’s WW2 Wehrmacht panzerblitz look like a bunch of underachieving pussies, eats whole armies for breakfast, and seats 4, oughtn’t be passed up lightly. Woof!

2. M977 series HEMTT
With a high cab, wheels the size of small RVs, and a sizzling cornering radius of only 100 feet, this baby is a dream to handle. And in a pinch, it runs on JP-4.
Any vehicle that makes a Mack truck look feminine needs to be on this list.

3. USMC LAV 8x8
Carries a squad in comfort at up to 80MPH, and mounts damn near anything you care to think of, from the .50BMG to TOW missiles, for those quick trips to the 7-11 in downtown Fallujah.
Let some psycho bitch at the local mall try to snag your parking spot, and pretend she doesn’t see you driving your LAV, and see who has the space after you turn her urban yuppiemobile into smoking modern sculpture.
Even the Army figured out (20 years late) that this thing is a bitchin’ ride.

4. FAV (Fast Attack Vehicle)
4WD. 90MPH. Front and rear facing MGs. Three man seating, and room for 2 casualties, or a ton o’ crap in the side baskets. US Navy SEAL tested and approved.
And even our own tanks can’t shoot the damn things out at the NTC, because they move across the field of vision faster than the turrets can traverse.
If Lawrence of Arabia had possessed 2 dozen of these little terrors and a couple of fuel trucks, Saudi Arabia’s capital city would be called Istanbul.

5. Colonial Marine Corps Squad Drop Vehicle
Whether you’re going on a bug hunt, or just saving some scared colonists, this baby’ll handle 5g space drops, and haul ass from the cargo ramp of the orbiter on the hover, carrying you and your apocalypse commandos in plush comfort. The ride’s so smooth even Cpl. Hicks can take a nap on the ride down.
And it runs over acid-blooded aliens like a halftrack in a school playground.
The fold-down rotating laser cannon makes getting into those low-clearance parking garages, nuclear power plant cargo doors, or random caves a snap.
And it’s a cinch to drive, even for complete newbies. You know you want one.

6. Clydesdale
It can haul a wagon of salvaged beer after Doomsday, carry a fully-weighted knight in plate mail at ramming speed, and squash lesser animals and unfriendlies with a look and a snort. It has a low ground pressure, runs on local vegetation, and can carry more gear than you could fit in a Mini Cooper without even noticing.
And if you buy one of each sex, you can make more.
Try doing that with pink and blue Hummer2s.

7. EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle
Armor plating, modern comms, on-board armory, and cutting edge guns and missiles. Decent gas mileage. And it’s made in America. For those romantic Bavarian getaways, or a quick rescue mission to unfriendly countries. We knew the Russkies were pussies way back in 1982. This is the vehicle that proved it.

8. DeLorean, optioned out.
You’ll want the Flux capacitor, Mr. Fusion, and hover capability.
Apocalypse, schmocalypse! You can travel forward and backwards in time at will, and change things until you get it right. H.G. Wells, eat your heart out. If you’re going to make a time machine, why not go first class? And when this baby hits 88MPH, you’re going to see some serious shit!

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