STOP THE PRESSES!
CALL THE VATICAN!
IT'S A BONA FIDE MIRACLE!!!
Ordinary people, with a case of pneumonia so ferocious it felled them like a redwood slain by a woodsman's axe, who dropped like a sack of potatoes, who melted like butter on a hot gridle amidst the sweltering furnace of a 77-degree heat on a breezy fall morning in New York, would probably need at least a week's solid rest, rehydration, and antibiotics before beginning to recuperate enough to return to a normal job. Let alone the grueling grind of campaigning for the presidency.
But today, comes the news that Hillary - make that Hillary The Divine - has passed her first miracle, coming one step closer to official canonization in the Roman Catholic Church, in recovering from the fearsome bout of (we really, really, REALLY, absolutely swear this time, trust us!) pneumonia - and NOT anything else whatsoever, you got that buster? - and doing it in only three days!!!!
We're trying to remember the last time someone rose after looking so thoroughly dead, and in just three days, but so far, only one case comes to mind.
And hey, how about that additional evidence?
The doctor - you know, the exact person, her doctor, misidentified frequently as a nurse - who was standing next to her and propping her on the pillar when she nearly face-planted in New York on 9/11 -
has come forward to not just tell us she diagnosed Shrillary with pneumonia on the Friday before, but has conclusively proven she did, by producing the verifying documents that said she did that, and signed and dated by...herself!!! To doubt that kind of verification, you'd have to be a hater. And a racist. And a homophobe. And...and...utterly deplorable!
(Bonus question: If Shrillary is so HEALTHY, WHY is a doctor in constant attendance at her side, everywhere...? Get back to us, we'll wait. Oh, and where are the pictures of Trump's doctor at his side 24/7? He's even older and fatter than Shrillary, so he must need...What's that, you say? There isn't one? HOW CAN THIS BE???)
The last time we saw any proof this self-serving, it was Shrillary telling the FBI she wasn't guilty of any crimes, because she was sure she wasn't guilty of any crimes.
So this medical testimony at least has legal precedent on its side. Our calls to FBI Director Comey for confirmation were forwarded to the Clinton Foundation.
There is an earlier precedent for such self-serving "evidence", but it was just Eric Idle pulling our leg:
At any rate, there's now no reason to doubt any longer the absolute veracity of the
And we have the further proof of Hillary's superhuman strength in kicking its ass after a paltry couple of days of Levaquin and
All we have to stand against this mountain of written and verbal self-serving diarrhea, is the measley and weak tea of the video of Shrillary doing her imitation of the Twin Towers at the 9/11 commemoration, as confirmed only by your lying eyes.
So do we really want to put any faith at all in the countless episodes of bizarre Parkinsonian behavior, culminating in the proof provided by video shot by a lone cameraman on a grassy knoll?
While we're up, remember this guy from a few days back? The one outted on social media as following Hillary around with a valium injector?
See if you can guess who has disappeared from her campaign entourage, and ostensibly off the face of the earth, without any explanation whatsoever.
For the record, I'm healthy, sane, very happy, life is wonderful, the brakes on my car work perfectly, I live in a safe neighborhood, I never handle my firearms carelessly, and I'm really looking forward to what the future has in store.
And if Shrillary passes one more miracle after the Incredible Disappearing Magical Pneumonia, she can rightfully be sainted by the Pope. Which is a helluva lot better than a cheesy Nobel Peace Prize.
Usually you have to trade the family cow to get something like Magical Pneumonia. Instead, Shrillary traded away her Magical Pneumonia, and now we're stuck with the cow.