Biden Smothered In Lincoln Bedroom With Scalia's Pillow

Secret Service spokesmen reported that Kamala Harris, clutching the pillow in question and caught in the act, was dragged from the room cackling maniacally, and is being held incommunicado at an undisclosed federal facility pending further investigation. Under the circumstances, former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy was sworn in as Acting President at his home. Minority Leader Pelosi was indisposed, but a truckload of box wine was seen being delivered to her residence in the District, and reporters outside swear they heard a woman's voice screaming hysterically "You stupid bitch! It was supposed to be before the midterms!!!" before D.C. police moved the security cordon back an additional 100 yards from her house.

Unnamed White House service personnel reported that Dr. Jill Biden was sedated, after it took seven Secret Service uniformed and plainclothes agents to pry her fingers off the Resolute desk in the Oval Office, as she cried "Mine! Mine! Mine! You can't take it away from me!" 

All financial trading on Wall Street will be suspended on Monday, though overseas markets unaffected by the U.S. freeze have soared to record highs, but Acting President McCarthy, flanked by Majority leader Bitch McConjob and several prominent GOPe senators, requests calm at this difficult time, pledging that "nothing in D.C. will change. It will be business as usual, for the foreseeable future."

Putin Conquers Ukraine; Russian Army Welcomed In Kiev By Cheering Ukrainian Throngs

 

In a triumphal procession led by the last three running T-34s in the Russian Army, with a line of FSB security police in armored trucks helpfully goading them along, the Russian Army took full control of Kiev today, to cheering thousands in the capitol of the former Ukraine, and warming the hearts of dozens of people worldwide giving Putin a daily tongue bath for over a year.

Despite no visible evidence of any Russian winter offensive at any point in the last six months, and with Russia still unable to fully control the long-disputed city of Bakhmut, the entire Ukrainian Army - both of them - went home, after halting the advance of the entire Russian Army with just slingshots, water balloons, pointed sticks, and occasionally jumping up out of hiding and yelling "Ooga Booga!" for most of that time, according to some of the internet's foremost military experts.

No explanation was forthcoming from Moscow as to how their advance was restrained for so long, what with all the other four Ukrainian soldiers being dead twice over for months now, but authorities from Marshall Shoigu's office expressed frank astonishment that they had finally managed to get their tanks to go in a gear besides reverse, and even more so that they had managed the entire trip from the border to Kiev, almost an unbelievable 170 miles - shorter than the distance from Disney World to Miami, and almost as far as two day's ride in the Tour De France - without breaking down or running out of gas.

"Sometimes," said a senior aide, "you just don't look a gift horse like that in the mouth."

In a clear demonstration of Russia's goodwill and friendship with Ukraine, and following their centuries' long tradition, the entire former government of Ukraine down to mayors and dog catchers were rounded up and shot, including their spouses, children, and anyone who looked vaguely related.

"Good enough for the Czar, good enough for these local apparatchiks" said one local military commander.

In paroxysms of glee and ecstasy, five more Russian generals committed suicide, three by shooting themselves in the back of the head 5-8 times apiece with their hands tied, and two more by throwing themselves through closed windows 10 stories up in their apartments.