Greatest War Movies Of All Time

 

The Art Of Manliness site has proposed their list of the 10 Greatest War Movies Of All Time.

We refuse to link to it, because they fucked it up. But we will post their list, in order.

And then correct them, with all the tenderness it deserves.

Their list (from their apparent top choice to the last of the ten):

The Bridge On The River Kwai

Allegedly per AoM, "may very well be the best war movie ever made".

Um, no. Maybe "The best war movie David Lean ever made in 1957".

But for even putting this one on the Top Ten list, AoM can start cranking out pushups until I get tired.

The Longest Day

Because it's got a lot of stars. So do the joint Chiefs Of Staff, but they both rate as sucky.

Continue the push-ups, bitchez.

1917

Because Sam Mendes, and one-long-take. 

Waitwaitwait. Jarhead Sam Mendes?? The guy who punked and fusterclucked the entire James Bond franchise, and Daniel Craig, with SPECTRE? The one with the least convincing movie villains since Mini-Me and Knickknack?

Switch to mountainclimbers. At doubletime pace.

Patton

Finally, a correct pick. You may rest.

The Thin Red Line

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! What the actual Fuck?!?!?!?  Resume the mountain climbers. With leg weights, and a full pack. In a MOPP suit.

Apocalypse Now

Not just no, but Hell No. Put on your gas mask, and continue the mountain climbers.

Glory

Nope. But we like Denzel, and the movie, though it isn't among the ten best. So you may take off the MOPP gear and mask, and drop your pack. Bends and thrusts. Begin.

Das Boot

Another correct pick. Remove the leg weights. Rest.

The Great Escape

Two in a row! Stand at ease.

Saving Private Ryan

Good, but it still doesn't make the cut, despite the Normandy beach landing scene being among the best scenes ever filmed in motion picture history. Loses out because the rest of the movie, while ranging from good to great, is pure fairytale.

And they say "you can't fix stupid". Ha! You just needed motivation. Three right, out of ten tries. 30%. F+ grade. Get out of my sight, maggots. Go away!

___

Now for the correct list, in the correct order.

1. ZULU!

Period. Origination of the Zulu Rule for community TVs:

If ZULU! comes on, ZULU! stays on. Even if it's a 24-hour ZULU! marathon.

And introducing some new guy named Michael Caine.

2. The Great Escape

"What were you doing by the wire?"

"Well, like I told Max...I was trying to cut my way through your wire, because I want to get out."

...

"Ten days isolation, Hiltz."

"Captain Hiltz."

"Twenty days."

"Right. ... Oh, uh, you'll still be here when I get out?"

3. Patton

And it just gets better from there.

4. Lawrence Of Arabia

The actual Best War Movie David Lean Ever Made, Ever.

And probably among the Top Ten Greatest Movies Of All Time.

5. Blackhawk Down

This was when the GWOT started. We just didn't know it yet.

6. Hamburger Hill

Not bong-fueled dreams from Oliver Stone or the acid flashbacks of Stanley Kubrick.

Just the 'Nam, man.

7. Das Boot

8. Gettysburg

Bonus: Worth it just to see Ted Turner take it in the chest during Pickett's Charge.

9. Braveheart

10. A Bridge Too Far

A much better version of a Cornelius Ryan novel about WWII than The Longest Day. And with more stars too.

We could have picked another twenty not mentioned, and so could you, before having to descend to some of the execrable picks of AoM, and anyone that would pick The Thin Red Line for anything but "Screenwriter Most Deserving A Firing Squad" should be fed to wild hogs while on fire, and then have the pigs nuked from orbit. Just to be sure. Some TV shows are shot in front of a live audience. Some movie directors should be as well.

Nota bene that nothing made in the last twenty years even makes the cut.

And I've lost track of how many defeatist, anti-hero, anti-American, anti-everything-that's-honorable incomprehensible piles of shit pretending to be "epic" films just make me want to infiltrate a sound stage and choke the living shit out of some asshole twentysomething never-served wannabe film producers and directors, and pin their still-beating hearts to a wall with a rusty bayonet.

At least once a year I find myself having to remind myself not to do it, no matter how needful it is, and how deserved it remains.

Bonus: Stars from the above Top Ten flicks who actually served under arms, in combat (not just "did military service"):

Michael Caine

Jack Hawkins

James Garner

Richard Attenborough

Charles Bronson

Donald Pleasence

Alec Guinness

Anthony Quayle

Claude Rains

Denholm Elliot

Dirk Bogarde

You'll Never Need A Knife In Combat

h/t Daily Timewaster



Then 28 y.o. squad leader SSGT Bellavia, in Iraq, circa 2004.

Which is absolutely true...until you do:

From Army Times

"Bellavia grabbed the wounded insurgent and put him in a choke hold to keep him from giving away their position.

“The wounded Jihadist then bit Sergeant Bellavia on the arm and smacked him in the face with the butt of his AK-47. In the wild scuffle that followed, Sergeant Bellavia took out his knife and slit the Jihadist’s throat,” the Silver Star citation reads. "Two other insurgents who were trying to come to their comrade’s rescue, fired at Bellavia, but he had slipped out of the room, which was now full of smoke and fire."

Bellavia's Silver Star for the action in 2004, upon review, was upgraded to a Medal of Honor. When President Trump puts it around his neck on June 25th, it will make him the Army's only living recipient of that award from OIF, out of seven total awards.

And a certified badass.

RTWT.

Why Ontario Knives, KaBar, or whoever's product he was carrying hasn't already signed him to a lifetime contract as their cutlery spokesperson is a mystery.
Oughta be a slam dunk.