Well-Identified Flying Object In The Skies Over America

It's bad enough that you get molested by the government every time you fly.
But apparently some of those skies are getting horribly beyond friendly.

Look, we already knew that United Breaks Guitars.
(And if you haven't seen that 18M view viral video, go watch it, right now. We'll wait. Then Google the full story.)

But this going quite a bit too far.

(MUNCHKIN PUNCHER AIRLINES) Mikaela Dixon, 21, was traveling with her boyfriend on August 11 when she noticed the man inappropriately touching himself.

“My bf was asleep in the window seat, I’m in the middle, and the man is in the aisle. I had no idea what to do, I couldn’t get up bc I didn’t want to go anywhere near him,” she tweeted about the incident that gave her the “worst panic attack of [her] life.”
Dixon went on to say she couldn’t alert the attendant without the man finding out, so she had to wait until he left his seat. “I sat there shaking until he got up to go to the bathroom as we landed,” she wrote.
After being alerted of the incident, a United flight attendant moved Dixon to another row and reportedly told her the airline had contacted local law enforcement.

When the man “bolted” to get off the plane, Dixon claims he was detained and escorted into the airport. When she inquired about what would happen to him, Dixon said the airline refused to tell her and instead gave her $75 of “hush money.”
Dixon later learned the passenger had been released and when she called the Chicago Police Department, they told her they hadn’t been alerted to the incident.

So UAL lied to the passenger, then tried to buy her off with $75?!?  Srsly??
If the guy had told a fat cankled snotty-mouthed stewardess to get stuffed, or refused to be ejected because they fraudulently double-booked his seat, they'd have had the guy tasered, beaten with truncheons, and dragged off the plane by the hair.

But after several hours' lewd conduct in public, they not only provide him a getaway, but then cover up his escape!
IANAL, but I think that's grounds for civil and criminal charges as accessories after the fact and criminal conspiracy.

And then they try to cover with an offer to the passenger victimized by the douchecanoe for less than she could have made doing lap dances in first class.
W.
T.
F.?

And I'm not blaming the victim, but...: not telling the BF?
I'm betting if she'd woken him up with an elbow to the ribs, the perp would have been met at O'Hare by paramedics and rescue ambulance, and they'd have had to decon the plane after all that blood soaked into the upholstery.

I (and most guys between 18-80) would have cheerfully beaten the guy mostly to death, with the fold-down meal tray and a rolled up magazine, until the new game in coach class would be a new in-flight entertainment program called "find all the missing teeth and testicles". And then fastened his lap belt so securely that doctors would still be trying to find his giblets three weeks after he was removed from the flight. He could also probably have looked forward to being the only guy in Chicongo whose fingers could point in ten directions at once, permanently, too.

This sort of thing would've just been the warm-up act.

I'm not using hyperbole, either. When some nutbag tried to open a door mid-flight at altitude shortly after 9/11, the passengers on board dog-piled him and literally squashed him to death under the pile, and the death was ruled completely justified at inquest. As it ought to have been.

So for United to lie about the incident and expedite his escape is grounds for something class-action around mid-eight figures, and seeking a criminal indictment from a grand jury for every participant from the airline in this sordid incident.

But being that it's United, I'm really mainly surprised they didn't try to bill the victim a premium for extra in-flight entertainment.

Those black-light investigations they do at hotels, to show how poorly they clean, by revealing what appears under UV? Probably something that needs to be done on all United Airlines aircraft in service.

Eek! Something besides passengers has been flying through the air in that cabin!

If the FAA were to ground their whole fleet for a month or two to do that, I think it would help drive the point well home with those @$$clowns.

And if I were the victim, I'd be raising unholy hell with the FAA, my congressweasel and senators, and news stations at both ends of that flight until that investigation was begun in earnest.