Well-Indoctrinated Little Progtard

Me: Minding my own business in the front seat of the boat...
Special Snowflake in the second row to her two friends (all about 14-15):
"Hey! Wanna hear something gross? The pirate holding the map and key used to be holding a woman's skirt, and instead of Jack Sparrow in the barrel, it was a woman the pirate was after!
No, really! The ride used to be really sexist!
Me: (No! Don't turn around and throw her ass out of the ride! No! No! Bad Aesop! Must. Maintain. Silence. Deep breaths. Deeeeeep breaths.)

Yes, that's right, little Miss Fuckwit, the pirate there used to be holding a lady's petticoat.

(You should look that word up sometime, strumpet.) And yes, the pirates in that section were actually booty pirates, >gasp! ZOMG!< who were chasing attractive women around. (Except for the land whalestress chasing the skinny pirate around.)

Yes, this was back in the horrible old days when himself, Walt Disney, was working on the last ride he actually designed, which has been reproduced at multiple theme parks, and turned into 5 movies (at least two of which were flat-out awesome), raking in a paltry few billion$ from before you were even a gleam in your daddy's eye. And doubtless, he never imagined that fifty years after designing his ultimate masterpiece attraction, the history behind it would be re-written because whiny little wenchlets couldn't handle it.

Mind you, this bit of overheard fucktarderry was noted to her friends' speechless wonder after said pirates on the very same ride had been seen by them

 

a) shelling a peaceful town with cannon fire

b) waterboarding the town's mayor to get him to cough up the town's treasure, and shooting at his wife, and

 

c) selling women roped together at gunpoint, as pirate brides.

 

No sexism there, nosiree.

Not a peep about those tawdry little indiscretions, huh, Cupcake?

And this before they loot the town, and set it on fire.
Pirates who kidnap, kill, pillage, burn = good.
Pirates who chase women = bad.
Got it.
Pure curiosity, wenchlet, but who wipes your ass these days when you mess yourself?
Mummy, or your nanny?

Of course, we know from history that pirates were always gentlemanly with women, and would never do any bad things to them, which is why the petticoat-holding pirate had to be sent to sexual harassment re-education camp, after the harpies, beta cucks, and LGBTEIEIO poofters took over Disney Inc., and made it kinder and gentler for little prissy progtards like Ms. Second Row Sugar-Coated Shitforbrains With No Sense Of Humor.

Mission Accomplished.

Maybe our intrepid historian might have noticed the ride is called Pirates of the Caribbean, and not Progtard Sexual Harassment Instructors of the Caribbean. Just saying.

There also used to be a flaming cabin on the Rivers of America with the owner killed by savage Indians, before that harsh historical reality was too unpalatable, and they became noble misunderstood native peoples living in harmony with Mother Earth until the evil White man came and stole their ancestral lands, which they'd been stealing from each other happily unhindered for 10,000 years and more, after they trespassed here from Asia.
(Historical secret: there are no "native American peoples", as far as anyone can prove. Everyone here's an immigrant, including the tribes Columbus found here.)

Vegan lions: coming soon?

And one can only await with bated breath the dawn of the Jungle Endangered Rainforest Cruise, once the lion pride is decreed henceforth to be vegan, and the "sleeping" zebra is replaced with tofu cakes made from sustainable algae farming, which everyone knows is what lions really eat on the African veldt.

Suffering cats. Literally.

But don't worry, Ms. Budding Anthrophobe, Disney's already set to eliminate the Wenches  Auction from the ride this year, and replace it with one of pilfered treasures. Again, because pirates historically were considerate like that.

So if you're still traditionally built enough to concur that "We wants the redhead!", visit soon, because that doll is gone the first chance the PC Mafia has to finally rip it right out of the ride at the next refurb. (Still, probably better than replacing it with one modeled on Melissa McCarthy or Rosie O'Donnell, along with a gratuitous lecture about fat-shaming, but not happening because Disney would have to clean the vomit out of the pond daily.)
And any ladies yearning for such treatment from yesteryear will instead either have to flock to the next installment of Fifty Shades Of Awfully Scripted Porn, or emigrate to Eurostan to get themselves merkeled by swarthy Worthy Oriental Gentleman immigrants with no sense of shame. Try train stations in Germania around the holidays.

And for you, Sugarbritches, and your historically retarded and gender-fornicated indoctrination, here's a head start on how life is going to turn out for you if you never learn to think beyond your Common Core programming:

Because with your "enlightened" attitudes, that's the only pussy at your house that's ever going to be touched, for the rest of your shriveled shrewish life.

Assuming, of course, you aren't eaten by wolves or bears or mountain lions because you think the fuzzy little things sing "Bare Necessities" all day in real life, are cute and cuddly, and you try to pet them.

One can only live in hope.

SJW/PC harpies, and their beta male bitchbois in comments will be cheerfully relegated to oblivion.

Like the missing bits on certain rides.

Because Nature seeks a balance.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Maraud and embezzle and even highjack.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We kindle and char, inflame and ignite.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We burn up the city, we're really a fright.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

We're rascals, scoundrels, villians and knaves.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do-well cads,
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads,
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.