Nice

As word of the horrific tally of carnage comes in from the south of France, reaction in Washington D.C. has been forthcoming and clear.

Emperor For Life HopeyDopey I, hisownself, started out by decrying the tragedy of what he described as a clear case of road rage: "If only the French weren't killing the planet with carbon-belching global warming, that poor lost driver never would have accidentally blundered into those thoughtless pedestrians. It's long past time for the people of France to realize that if they don't like the way their Muslim citizens drive, they should stay the hell off of the sidewalks."

FBI Diretor Comey piled on, decrying the extreme carelessness of the driver in question.
Attorney General Lotretta Lynch, when asked about the incident, stated that a single driver running over and then gunning down 80 or more Frenchmen was puzzling, but that without the full specifics and a careful study of the relevant French laws, she couldn't say for certain whether anything actually illegal had occurred. Both offered the French any help they need in exonerating the poor innocent Muslim cruelly gunned down on the way to his daily prayers by racist and wicked French police, because black-robed-and-hooded lives matter.

Her ladyship and Duchess heir apparent Shrillary Peron Macbeth, returning from a campaign fundraising trip to the Five Families, when quizzed, was certain she had sent numerous memos regarding the dangerous situation in Nice to the French security services, at some point, but said that her staff had experienced some difficulty locating the e-mails in question. She was also pretty sure that she had landed in Nice (under enemy fire the entire time) at some point while serving as Secretary of State. "But what difference, at this point, does it make?" She pledged to have the usual video producers rounded up if elected Queen of Hearts.

White House Head Press Spokeshole Ernest Reifenstahl stated categorically that "the tragic events in France earlier today make keeping assault weapons out of the hands of law abiding Americans here that much more of an urgent priority, for the children."

Even overseas, condemnation of the events has been swift as well. Reichsfuhrer Merkel, when asked what she thought about the gory deaths of over 80 Frenchmen during a celebration commemorating opening doors and letting Algerians and other oppressed post-colonial refugees settle in Europe, replied "Today's incident was a good start. I wasn't able to attend the event in person, but I'll definitely send along a note saying I approve of it heartily."

The only response garnered thus far from French officials themselves was indecipherable. Marine Le Pen stated through a spokesperson that "John has a long moustache. Frexit in 3,2,1..."

Listening to the responses from American leaders to the incident, the editorial staff of The Onion have announced that they'll probably be forced to close their doors for good by the end of 2016. The printed statement from the editorial board stated simply
"We just can't compete with this sort of thing anymore."