There's One Born Every Minute

 h/t WRSA

Look, kids, while our love of unbridled caveat emptor capitalism is exceeded only by P.T. Barnum's (from whom the header quote sprung), anyone who buys "fuel thickener" for nearly $250/jug might as well take the family cow along too, to get some Magic Beans..

The traditional recipe for homemade napalm is 50/50 gasoline (any octane will do) and ordinary liquid dish washing soap. Palmolive retails for about $25/gallon, a savings of about $220 over the Magic Goo pictured above. You can substitute styrofoam for the soap in a pinch, but more stirring is required, it works better with diesel or fuel oil, and the quantity is arrived at by getting to the right consistency during the process. Every several gallons, dump in a jar of metallic (aluminum will do fine) ordinary craft glitter, which particles serve as condensation nucleii for the flammable glop. (If we have to explain condensation nucleii to you, you're already not tall enough to work at this lab bench station).

As the XL-18 flammenwerfer Throwflame sells (and don't get me wrong: mad props to them for making that beauty) boasts a capacity of 3.3 gallons, that's about $5 worth of regular unleaded, and about $35 worth of dish soap, and a few bucks for some glitter jars at the craft store. Which would only leave you with $200 still in your pocket by not buying the Magic Glop, above. But you do you.

We understand Throwflame's desire to part you from 245 bucks, but if they do so successfully, your 80 IQ is its own reward. And you're probably not bright enough to be playing with flammenwerfers in the first place. (Well, once maybe. But probably not twice.)

Suture self.

Day 80 Of No Arrests Again

The LAPD had amassed enough evidence to arrest O.J. Simpson for cutting his ex-wife's head off in only five days.

But the feckless Attorney General of the United States has been in office since February 25th, and still not one single arrest, anywhere, despite nearly a decade of lawless conduct by multiple federal officials, and entire agencies, including most of the FBI.

Not. One. Single. Arrest.

Maybe, when they find her, someone should get Pam Bondi and the next 87 officials in the DoJ, who've had literally years to start these cases before Trump's re-election, their own seeing-eye dogs, to help them find their own asses, as even with both hands, an anatomical chart, and a rear-view mirror, they seem to be ill-equipped for even that low-level tasking.

I know we hire the 80 IQ folks for cops in general, and the lower end goes to the FBI, but if DoJ would do the same thing, their efficiency and productivity couldn't help but shoot upward like a rocket launch. The current crop make kids on the short bus seem like rocket scientists by contrast.

And BTW, no Epstein client list either.

Nada. Zip. Bupkus. Niente.

Usually, to achieve the level of incompetent fucktardery the DoJ is demonstrating flawlessly every single day, you have to be a congessweasel, at least, or a reporter for ABCNNBCBS.

Think how betrayed Trump loyalists and convicted felons, like Peter Navarro and Rudy Giuliani, must feel about taking one for the team, and the 47 administration not being able to even piss their pants in reply after three months' time. The lack of action shows them one and all as total shitbags who should go home and kill themselves if they can't get their shit in one bag and get things rolling by now. This is beyond scandalous. It's treasonous.

Missing In Action

If you're keeping score at home, this makes three US AGs, lifetime,
Trump has appointed, all of whom have disappeared,
never to be seen or heard from again.
Weird.

 

Kick That Football, Charlie Brown

 h/t WRSA

For most people, the penny will drop about five minutes before the 2026 mid-terms, which is only about 22 months too late. Trump, OTOH, has until about the end of this month to start making this right, or de facto admitting it was all just so much b.s.
And there are no do-overs here.
Either we have laws, or we don't.
If we don't, the next president will be more like Negan from The Walking Dead than
 George Washington, regardless of which party wins.
So, is Pam Bondi real, or just a face on a milk carton?
Why can't Trump ever find an AG who actually wants to do the f**king job?!?!?

Sunday Music: Skeet Surfing

 

Number One in the Hot 100 of Top Secret! in 1984, sung by Nick Rivers himself, Val Kilmer. RIP.

R.I.P. Val Kilmer

 h/t Borepatch

Val Kilmer, 65, of pneumonia as a complication of throat cancer. 

We first saw him in Top Secret:

Then he doubled down on his comedy chops with Real Genius:

Then got all serious on us as Tom "Iceman" Kazansky:

Took a turn as the hero in Willow:

Played the only good FBI agent in Thunderheart:

Then stole an entire movie out from under Sam Elliot, Kurt Russell, Bill Paxton, Powers Booth, and Michael Biehn with a Doc Holiday that will stand as the pinnacle of the character for a century or more in Tombstone:

Then blew everyone away as The One That Got Away in Heat:

And finally, brought the "Iceman" character out for one moving last hurrah in Top Gun: Maverick, to save Pete "Maverick" Mitchell one last time, with screentime measured in seconds, in a blockbuster movie that single-handedly saved Hollywood's box office for an entire year.

As a Valley kid from the L.A. suburbs, he came up out of a prep school drama class that included Mare Winningham and Kevin Spacey as co-stars and classmates. Must've been one hell of a kick-ass high school play that year. 

True Story: In yet another horrible remake of the never-ever-should-be-a-movie Island Of Dr. Moreau, a young and far too full of himself Kilmer got tuned up, in front of God and everybody, by no less an actor's actor than Marlon Brando. Apparently Kilmer was giving free rein to frequent prima dona tantrums on set on location in Australia, amidst both a very troubled production, and Kilmer in the middle of being sued for divorce by his wife of seven years, Joanne Whalley, the pair having first met on the set of Willow. Witnessing the latest of these fits, in front of the entire production cast and crew, Brando loudly and succinctly offered Kilmer some withering face-to-face notes on his behavioral histrionics, as authoritatively related by several eyewitnesses on the set:

"Young man, you confuse the size of your paycheck with the size of your talent. 

I'm going back to my trailer. Please have someone come and get me when all of us are ready to get back to work."

The set got pin-drop quit as Brando walked off set, because when Marlin Brando tells you that you suck as an actor, you suck as an actor. 

Kilmer apparently took this to heart, because shortly afterwards, Kilmer pulled his head out, settled down, and there were no further tantrums reported for the rest of the film. And it seems to have brought him back to earth for the rest of his career.

Silenced way too soon, and now finally taken from us all far too young.

Today on the DUH! Channel...

 h/t WRSA

Discuss in comments the odds that Hegseth already knows that answer.

And after that, the over/under odds he'll do anything to fix that longstanding boil on the military's ass, under the theory that victory in battle is their primary mission.

Step One: Anyone who can't perform their service branch's PRT/PFT to the current male standard is given the same number of weeks as they have years TIS to either meet the male standard, or be separated for the good of the service.

There's no Step Two necessary. Combat doesn't grade based on gender.

[Pro tip: I wouldn't be holding my breath for that small amount of obvious common sense, even from Hegseth. #Notevergonnahappen]

{Nota bene: We said "tits" rather than "a pussy", because if we started picking on people in the military packing that gear, it wouldn't just be the women we'd be talking about, and a quite large number of them would be in the O-7 and above ranks. #Fireallthegeneralsandadmiralsforopeners.}