Happy Juneteenth

 

"I should know; I'm half white myself."

Don't get me wrong. I don't begrudge a federal holiday for something that actually happened, especially as it put the final nail in the coffin of "the peculiar institution", which was a stain upon our national honor from the founding up to that day.

But now, you have to give us back the abortion that became MLK Day.

Because if we're going to start giving holidays for just being black people we like, how about Sammy Davis Jr. Day, Jackie Robinson Day, or Denzel Washington Day?

Let's just give the axe to MLK Day before things get much stupider, and call it even, shall we?

And while you're up, let's ditch the other abomination, "Presidents' Day", and go back to Washington and Lincoln's Birthdays, respectively. Because no way in hell I'm ever hoisting a glass to Woodrow Wilson, Warren Harding, FDR, LBJ, Mr. Peanut, Lying Bill, or Hopey Dopey, except in thanks that most of them are dead, and the rest of them can't die soon enough.

In fact, the living ones on that list should die at the end of a rope, after a fair and speedy trial, and a fine public hanging, since we're wishing.

In fact, truth be told, there's only one other presidential birthday I'd ever celebrate.

That would be the birthday of our ninth president, President William Henry Harrison, whose selfless public service was exemplary, and whose administration stands above every other one before or since, bar none as the most utterly blameless, and totally lacking in any taint or  corruption. He also served ably as a military officer, and was the grandfather of another president, being only the second president to pull off a relative in the office, before the idea of such nepotism had become really trendy.

William Henry Harrison, our ninth president,
and probably for all time the best U.S. president ever.

Why Harrison? Because any president with the self-sacrificing spirit to have the decency to die after only 31 days in office, pretty well sets the bar for public service to the American people, proving unquestionably that he had the best interests of the people well in mind when he ran for the office, and leaves him as the only president never to have suffered even a whiff of scandal.

So next February 9th (Harrison's birthday), hoist a glass to the best president in American history, a record that's liable to stand for a long, long time.

Until then, don't begrudge a holiday to let black Americans celebrate the final end of slavery, (in fact, let's call that holiday what it should be called: "reparations", and the only one they should ever get. Unless you're going to count favorable quotas, and billions and billions in government payments, in return for pretty much being a blight on the national demographics if we're talking about education, crime, productivity, bastardry, the scourge and serial sociopathology of single parenthood, or pretty much anything not involving entertainment or sports achievement, with a notable handful of spectacular exceptions) but always remember who it was who achieved that outcome (whypeepo), and also remember one other thing: